It's hard to believe I've been back from Europe for 2 1/2 months now. In ways it feels so surreal and a million miles away. Coming back home has certainly been an adjustment, especially seeing I've moved to another state and have begun a new educational endeavor.
Within a week of being home it was apparent that things at home had changed, people had changed, and situations had changed. I was overwhelmed by the loudness of Americans, of the choices at the grocery store, and the amount of food put on your plate at a restaurant.
I'm coming back around to normal on most things. I'm readjusting to the screaming we often call talking and to the 15 choices of Oreo's at Wal-Mart. But there is one aspect of my life I still cannot seem to readjust to, church.
Yes, church. For the 1st 6 or so weeks I went to a church here in America I walked away crying. Not crying because the sermon spoke to me. Not crying because I was overjoyed at being back in an American church. No, these were not and have not been tears of joy, but rather tears of sorrow, sadness, and brokenness.
I remember back to our disorrientation (or debriefing for others) and hearing one of the missionaries say, church was always the hardest thing to adjust to for her when she came back to the States. And I, I couldn't agree more.
My heart is deeply grieved for the state of the church in America. We fill up our pews; have our lights, powerpoint or media shout, big screens, productions we like to call worship, our stage settings, and coffee all in the name of reaching out to the community and the lost. In all our stuff we miss the entire point.
Church is for the believers. Church is for learning, not superficial messages that do not hit the heart of the matter. Church is to truly worship God, not to make sure every light cue goes off perfectly, that the pastor is well manicured and to look like a giant production for the community.
If statistics are true, and America really is 40-50 years behind Europe, I've seen our bleak future. I have seen what having everything can do to people. I've seen the self reliance, the utter spiritual darkness that exists. I've seen the disdain for my Lord. I've seen a people who do not know or care about the TRUTH.
We sit in our churches; hoping people will come in because of our attempts to be like the culture. I've never been more convinced that in order to reach the culture, we have to be unlike our culture. We have to prove and show that our Jesus is something different. That He changed our lives. And they have to see that. Not just say, but actually see that we are working out our faith, that while we may make mistakes, we are all about bringing Him the glory.
When people can see the difference, they become more open to what we say. Their hearts melt a little. They become a little bit more open to what you have to say. I've seen it work. I saw how 4 people lived out their lives in Paris. I saw that because they were truly walking in faith and being obedient they changed the lives of unbelievers around them. They were real, and true, and honest. And because they were, I was able to make connections with a few people. Because they were not conforming to that culture, but rather loving the culture and the people in the culture, they touched the lives of a countless few.
So I've become forever changed. I'm no longer just an American; I'm an American with a little bit of Paris and Spain mixed in. I'm broken. I weep to my Lord for the lost in Europe. I weep to my Lord for the lost in American. And I weep and cry out to my Lord for the lost sitting in the pew on Sunday morning week after week. I weep for the leadership of our churches who allow money and glamour to misguide them and those who take their eyes of the Lord for a moment, and find themselves out of God's will not knowing how they got there. I weep for the people I met and know and spent hours with who do not currently know my God, the one true God.
And I pray that my heart remains broken for the lost, because I feel a little closer to God. In having a glimpse of the pain He feels in knowing His child will not accept His offer of salvation and that they will be condemned to spend eternity without Him.
What will it take for the church to grieve for the lost? Pray for them by name. And go to the Father and intercede on their behalf. Will you allow you're heart to be broken? Will you come before the Father and cry out for those living in Europe, the States, your hometown, your street?
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Monday, May 25, 2009
on the down hill side...
To my unbelief, I have just a little over 2 weeks left in Spain. At times the days and months have flown by, while at other times they have crept by like a snail. I'd like to say I'm not counting down the days with sheer joy, but I am. I'm fully ready to get back home, eat some real southern American food and enjoy the company of my friends and family. I'm ready to get back and enjoy the summer before turning the next page in my life.
These past four months living in Europe have been the most difficult thing I have ever done. Far more harder than going to college, finishing 2 degrees in 4 years while working, pulling all nighters to study for finals and write a 50 page thesis, much more difficult than getting up at 4:30 am for about a year in order to get to work, and much more taxing than applying to law school.
No one can quite tell you what living on the field is like. There are highs and lows, oh so many lows. There is frustration, confusion, miss communication, no communication at points, pure exhaustion - emotionally, mentally, and especially spiritually. No one quite tells you that the job description you are given is most likely to change within the first week of arriving in your respected location. No one gives you the heads up before, that well, you might not get along well with others serving with you. I mean, despite that we all serve the same God, people are human and make mistakes, sometimes at your expense. No one can quite express the utter loneliness you will feel at times, despite there are people around you. No one lets you know that this journey you are on is really just between you and God. No one ever says, this may quite possibly be the absolute hardest thing you have ever done in your entire life up to this point.
Well, to all those who read this, please take all of what I just said to heart. It's true and real. Some things don't take full affect by merely reading words, but please know all that is very real.
That being said, I think I'd do it all over again. Will I do it again, probably not, but would if I could would I change it, I don't think I would. Ya see, when it's just you and God your world changes in ways it never would have in your comfort zone. It changes you, how you see yourself, how you view others back home, how you view others in your location, how you see God, how you relate to others, and how you relate to God.
When you break it down and all you have is you and God, you learn to love and trust Him in new and different ways. Ways in which you wouldn't have known possible or couldn't have seen if you weren't alone in a foreign country. You learn to pick up His word, read, and gain your strength from Him. There is no community of faith to replenish your cup, He is your sole provider. He wants you to run to Him, be in His arms, depend on Him. You come to the point where you can no longer stand on your own might and you collapse into a giant heap right before the Father. That's when He so graciously and gently lifts your head towards Him. He loving you looks you in the eye, and you know He's there. He won't leave your side; He'll give you the strength, if you just admit you are helpless without Him. He then ever so carefully picks you up, begins to dust you off, all the while loving you like no one else can. He holds your hand and tells you, I'm in control, just trust Me. And that's the point you either find the most amazing release or go back to fighting on your own. And I, I've had the most amazing peace.
That's not to say the days aren't long. That I don't still get upset at things that happen and those that just plain suck. It's not that I still don't struggle nearly daily to make it until it's time to go home, because well I do. But it's only because He is holding my hand, telling me it's all going to be fine, trust Me. Somedays I trust more than others, it's a constant battle. But He's standing here fighting it with me. And for that, I couldn't be more grateful.
In the words of Relient K:
I think I can't, I think I can't, but I think You can, I think You can. Gather my inefficiencies and place them in Your Hands, place them in Your Hands, place them in Your Hands. Never underestimate my Jesus. You're telling me that there's no hope. I'm telling you you're wrong. Never underestimate my Jesus. When the world around you crumbles. He will be strong, He will be strong. (For The Moments I feel Faint).
These past four months living in Europe have been the most difficult thing I have ever done. Far more harder than going to college, finishing 2 degrees in 4 years while working, pulling all nighters to study for finals and write a 50 page thesis, much more difficult than getting up at 4:30 am for about a year in order to get to work, and much more taxing than applying to law school.
No one can quite tell you what living on the field is like. There are highs and lows, oh so many lows. There is frustration, confusion, miss communication, no communication at points, pure exhaustion - emotionally, mentally, and especially spiritually. No one quite tells you that the job description you are given is most likely to change within the first week of arriving in your respected location. No one gives you the heads up before, that well, you might not get along well with others serving with you. I mean, despite that we all serve the same God, people are human and make mistakes, sometimes at your expense. No one can quite express the utter loneliness you will feel at times, despite there are people around you. No one lets you know that this journey you are on is really just between you and God. No one ever says, this may quite possibly be the absolute hardest thing you have ever done in your entire life up to this point.
Well, to all those who read this, please take all of what I just said to heart. It's true and real. Some things don't take full affect by merely reading words, but please know all that is very real.
That being said, I think I'd do it all over again. Will I do it again, probably not, but would if I could would I change it, I don't think I would. Ya see, when it's just you and God your world changes in ways it never would have in your comfort zone. It changes you, how you see yourself, how you view others back home, how you view others in your location, how you see God, how you relate to others, and how you relate to God.
When you break it down and all you have is you and God, you learn to love and trust Him in new and different ways. Ways in which you wouldn't have known possible or couldn't have seen if you weren't alone in a foreign country. You learn to pick up His word, read, and gain your strength from Him. There is no community of faith to replenish your cup, He is your sole provider. He wants you to run to Him, be in His arms, depend on Him. You come to the point where you can no longer stand on your own might and you collapse into a giant heap right before the Father. That's when He so graciously and gently lifts your head towards Him. He loving you looks you in the eye, and you know He's there. He won't leave your side; He'll give you the strength, if you just admit you are helpless without Him. He then ever so carefully picks you up, begins to dust you off, all the while loving you like no one else can. He holds your hand and tells you, I'm in control, just trust Me. And that's the point you either find the most amazing release or go back to fighting on your own. And I, I've had the most amazing peace.
That's not to say the days aren't long. That I don't still get upset at things that happen and those that just plain suck. It's not that I still don't struggle nearly daily to make it until it's time to go home, because well I do. But it's only because He is holding my hand, telling me it's all going to be fine, trust Me. Somedays I trust more than others, it's a constant battle. But He's standing here fighting it with me. And for that, I couldn't be more grateful.
In the words of Relient K:
I think I can't, I think I can't, but I think You can, I think You can. Gather my inefficiencies and place them in Your Hands, place them in Your Hands, place them in Your Hands. Never underestimate my Jesus. You're telling me that there's no hope. I'm telling you you're wrong. Never underestimate my Jesus. When the world around you crumbles. He will be strong, He will be strong. (For The Moments I feel Faint).
Monday, April 20, 2009
and then there was one...
I awoke this morning to the sound of my roommate's alarm going off. I believe it was the 1st time in the 3 months that she planned on getting up before me. I watched her pack her last few things and walk out the door onto the elevator for the last time.
I don't think she knows just how good of a friend she had become to me. We share many memories - hours of questioning at UK immigration, being held up in a holding cell for hours, being police escorted through 3 countries, being deported, spending another lovely 2 weeks in Paris, ups and downs of this town we've lived in the past 2 months. We've shared thoughts, feelings, irritations, high points, and a room where we slept about 3 feet away every night for the last 10 weeks.
We've vented about situations that weren't the best. We discovered a city that we've come to love. We had breakdowns, blow ups, and whatever else is in between those two extremes.
She was the only one who got me, who somewhat understood me, and seemingly the only one in Spain who really showed that they cared.
I know it was best for her to leave with the circumstances. But I still feel as if part of me has left. And I hate that things ended the way they did.
But my hope and prayer is that the next 7 weeks or so fly by. I'm getting more English groups and have a few new things to occupy my time.
But I've loved and enjoyed getting to know that special girl. I'll miss our moments of midnight hesteria, I'll miss our 'That's what she said moments,' I'll miss the many moments of yelling 'TOPANGA!', but I'll miss her friendship most of all.
and then there was one...
I don't think she knows just how good of a friend she had become to me. We share many memories - hours of questioning at UK immigration, being held up in a holding cell for hours, being police escorted through 3 countries, being deported, spending another lovely 2 weeks in Paris, ups and downs of this town we've lived in the past 2 months. We've shared thoughts, feelings, irritations, high points, and a room where we slept about 3 feet away every night for the last 10 weeks.
We've vented about situations that weren't the best. We discovered a city that we've come to love. We had breakdowns, blow ups, and whatever else is in between those two extremes.
She was the only one who got me, who somewhat understood me, and seemingly the only one in Spain who really showed that they cared.
I know it was best for her to leave with the circumstances. But I still feel as if part of me has left. And I hate that things ended the way they did.
But my hope and prayer is that the next 7 weeks or so fly by. I'm getting more English groups and have a few new things to occupy my time.
But I've loved and enjoyed getting to know that special girl. I'll miss our moments of midnight hesteria, I'll miss our 'That's what she said moments,' I'll miss the many moments of yelling 'TOPANGA!', but I'll miss her friendship most of all.
and then there was one...
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
a new appreciation...
So I've been on many 'm' trips, and planned them for over a year. But it wasn't until this past week I learned a new appreciation for 'm's' living on the field.
For the past month we've been getting ready for a group of high schoolers coming from TX and another group of adults also from TX. We've put in a lot of work getting the location ready, getting information out about the weekends, planning for orientation for the groups, plus other odds and end information. I never realized just how much work goes into a week trip. It's a lot of work on this side of the field.
Then the week comes when the team gets here. Going to the airport, picking up 14 people, getting them to their location, taking them to get food, being their tour guides around the town. Within the first few days, it really stuck me that I'm poor! Not in a horrible way, but eating out isn't much of an option. And with a group, there's not much of a choice. So when they offer to buy food that's great as eating a meal out can be at least half if not all your daily allowance for food. I'm beginning to see now why 'm's' are so thankful for what we see as small things, because really they are huge things for them.
As I sat in the girls room in the hostel, I saw one bring out a bag of candy and I immediately spotted a Snickers. Ya see, they're my favorite those and Reese's. And gratefully, I got to have some Snickers and Reese's! And I thought, I've only been gone 2 months, I can't imagine how these 'm's' who have been here for years get along. I suppose they get use to not having things and finding new loves in their country.
And not only do you have this group here and needing to make sure they eat, sleep, and other things, you have your day to day activities that still must go on. They've still got to get the kids to school, have the normal English conversation groups, do laundry, go to the grocrey! It's not that easy.
I sit here and think though, that when my one supervisor says we were angels sent to them, I really see it. I know this isn't where we were planning on going, but I can see why we might be here. If it's just to have helped get ready for this group. To be a huge part of the orienation for the group. To be their guides around the town (and amazingly enough, sometimes a tanslator!). To get them from point A to point B. To help in watching the kids at dinner so they can better assist the other team. As I've said before, it's the small things.
So, yeah, I've got a new appreciation for those living on the field for long term. They are called.
For the past month we've been getting ready for a group of high schoolers coming from TX and another group of adults also from TX. We've put in a lot of work getting the location ready, getting information out about the weekends, planning for orientation for the groups, plus other odds and end information. I never realized just how much work goes into a week trip. It's a lot of work on this side of the field.
Then the week comes when the team gets here. Going to the airport, picking up 14 people, getting them to their location, taking them to get food, being their tour guides around the town. Within the first few days, it really stuck me that I'm poor! Not in a horrible way, but eating out isn't much of an option. And with a group, there's not much of a choice. So when they offer to buy food that's great as eating a meal out can be at least half if not all your daily allowance for food. I'm beginning to see now why 'm's' are so thankful for what we see as small things, because really they are huge things for them.
As I sat in the girls room in the hostel, I saw one bring out a bag of candy and I immediately spotted a Snickers. Ya see, they're my favorite those and Reese's. And gratefully, I got to have some Snickers and Reese's! And I thought, I've only been gone 2 months, I can't imagine how these 'm's' who have been here for years get along. I suppose they get use to not having things and finding new loves in their country.
And not only do you have this group here and needing to make sure they eat, sleep, and other things, you have your day to day activities that still must go on. They've still got to get the kids to school, have the normal English conversation groups, do laundry, go to the grocrey! It's not that easy.
I sit here and think though, that when my one supervisor says we were angels sent to them, I really see it. I know this isn't where we were planning on going, but I can see why we might be here. If it's just to have helped get ready for this group. To be a huge part of the orienation for the group. To be their guides around the town (and amazingly enough, sometimes a tanslator!). To get them from point A to point B. To help in watching the kids at dinner so they can better assist the other team. As I've said before, it's the small things.
So, yeah, I've got a new appreciation for those living on the field for long term. They are called.
Monday, March 9, 2009
i hate to cry...
For most people that know me, they know I don't like to cry, nay, I hate to cry. And crying in front of people, that's just unthinkable and unbearable. I like to think of crying as a weakness. And I often identify myself as the strong one in my group of friends. I'm the one to come to when life has blown up in your face. I'm the one who'll listen, give sound advice, and be that shoulder for you to cry on. I'm the strong one, that's me.
Well, I believe God has a sense of humor, in more ways than one. And over the past few months, He's been trying to show me, I'm not the strong one, He is. In fact, I'm weak and even my 'strongest' point doesn't even compare to God's 'weakest' point.
During the first week of orientation we sang a song by Casting Crowns called "In Me." These words struck accord with me then, but I didn't know how much they would come to mean to me two months later. It speaks of God asking people to go into lands, preach His word, carry His light into foreign lands, and the part that strikes home with me goes:
I'll go, but I cannot go alone
'Cause I know I'm nothing on my own
But the power of Christ in me makes me strong
Makes me strong
'Cause when I'm weak, You make me strong
When I'm blind you shine Your light on me
'Cause I'll never get by living on my own ability
How refreshing to know You don't need me
How amazing to find that You want me
So I'll stand on Your Truth, and I'll fight with Your Strength
Until You bring the victory, by the power of Christ in me
You see, I've spent years building up a 100 foot wall. I felt it made me strong. No one got in, and nothing got out. And being emotional, crying, like I said, that is one of the biggest weakness a person can have, so I thought. But alas, I've found myself crying in front of complete strangers. I've found myself crying for hours. I've found myself crying for reasons I didn't even know why. Life had blown up in my face. My plans (which is another place I feel God has a sense of humor, but that's another story) we're crumbled up and thrown out. My 100 foot wall can tumbling down. But all I could do was watch things fall apart, sit there, and allow these people to sit with me. They sat with me in piles of rubble that were my plans and helped me to wipe away the tears that streamed down my cheeks. They embraced me and shared their similar stories. And all the while, I kept thinking, I'm not this girl. I don't cry I'm the strong one.
And then the other night, as Katie and I were having one of our many 1:00 AM talks, those words came back to me. "When I am weak, You make me strong." I mean, WOW. Yes, that's such an early childhood Sunday school lesson, but really, I think that might be one of the first times in my life I really recognized just how truly weak I am and just how strong HE is. My fear and hate of crying that shows my weakness is a perfect place for Him to show His strength. He gives strength to the weak. I am not the strong one no matter what I'd like to think.
So crying, while it does make the eyes puffy and red, has it's place. I pray that through these experiences, I will remember that. I'm not strong, but God makes me strong by graciously allowing me to rely on His amazing strength. And I pray that one day, these circumstances and lessons I've learned can show the glory of God and others may come to know Him. I pray that God uses my life and stories to show just how gracious and loving He is.
To live another day. To breathe another breath. To tell of His love one more time.
- jen
Well, I believe God has a sense of humor, in more ways than one. And over the past few months, He's been trying to show me, I'm not the strong one, He is. In fact, I'm weak and even my 'strongest' point doesn't even compare to God's 'weakest' point.
During the first week of orientation we sang a song by Casting Crowns called "In Me." These words struck accord with me then, but I didn't know how much they would come to mean to me two months later. It speaks of God asking people to go into lands, preach His word, carry His light into foreign lands, and the part that strikes home with me goes:
I'll go, but I cannot go alone
'Cause I know I'm nothing on my own
But the power of Christ in me makes me strong
Makes me strong
'Cause when I'm weak, You make me strong
When I'm blind you shine Your light on me
'Cause I'll never get by living on my own ability
How refreshing to know You don't need me
How amazing to find that You want me
So I'll stand on Your Truth, and I'll fight with Your Strength
Until You bring the victory, by the power of Christ in me
You see, I've spent years building up a 100 foot wall. I felt it made me strong. No one got in, and nothing got out. And being emotional, crying, like I said, that is one of the biggest weakness a person can have, so I thought. But alas, I've found myself crying in front of complete strangers. I've found myself crying for hours. I've found myself crying for reasons I didn't even know why. Life had blown up in my face. My plans (which is another place I feel God has a sense of humor, but that's another story) we're crumbled up and thrown out. My 100 foot wall can tumbling down. But all I could do was watch things fall apart, sit there, and allow these people to sit with me. They sat with me in piles of rubble that were my plans and helped me to wipe away the tears that streamed down my cheeks. They embraced me and shared their similar stories. And all the while, I kept thinking, I'm not this girl. I don't cry I'm the strong one.
And then the other night, as Katie and I were having one of our many 1:00 AM talks, those words came back to me. "When I am weak, You make me strong." I mean, WOW. Yes, that's such an early childhood Sunday school lesson, but really, I think that might be one of the first times in my life I really recognized just how truly weak I am and just how strong HE is. My fear and hate of crying that shows my weakness is a perfect place for Him to show His strength. He gives strength to the weak. I am not the strong one no matter what I'd like to think.
So crying, while it does make the eyes puffy and red, has it's place. I pray that through these experiences, I will remember that. I'm not strong, but God makes me strong by graciously allowing me to rely on His amazing strength. And I pray that one day, these circumstances and lessons I've learned can show the glory of God and others may come to know Him. I pray that God uses my life and stories to show just how gracious and loving He is.
To live another day. To breathe another breath. To tell of His love one more time.
- jen
Thursday, March 5, 2009
sometimes, it takes a while to learn...
God is faithful and ever present. When we ask something of Him, He always provides. Not perhaps in our timing, but in His perfect timing, all things come together.
I was reading a few 'thoughts' I've written down through out the years. I came across one entitled "A working in me." I wrote it Jan 16 of 2008. Here's what it said:
After this evening's small group and reading a good friends blog - I too am faced with the question "Do you trust ME?" - God.
While sitting in small group tonight and after all of us are considering changing jobs and many people I know (including myself) have said "I'm working somewhere I never thought I would." It came to me that perhaps we find ourselves in these places because they were the path of least resistance at the time, so we walk down them. I didn't trust on God to walk the path I really wanted at the time. I took the 'easier' way. And all along HE keeps saying trust ME and I'll open the right doors. Don't worry about the scores, don't worry about the essay's, don't worry about the money - TRUST ME AND I'LL TAKE CARE OF YOU.
But God works all these things to HIS Glory - despite my mistakes!
So after a refining evening of Hebrews - I find myself needing to focus on Christ and fully actually trusting in God taking me where I want and most importantly where HE wants me.
A week before leaving I wrote another 'thought' entitled, "Learning to let go - with faith." Here's a part of that thought:
As I sit a mere week away from boarding a plane that will take me across the great Atlantic pond, I can’t even imagine what all God has in store for me. People keep asking if I’m excited or ready. Well, yes I’m excited, but ready – are we ever really fully ready to allow God to work in our lives the way He intended. So I ask for your prayers, that I am ready – ready to let go fully, ready to allow God to fully work in and through me, ready to not look back, ready to live in the present, ready to encounter new people and new places with a new outlook.
One thing is for sure – my life will be forever changed – that much I am sure of. And I pray that someone else’s live(s) can be changed forever as well.
As you all know by now, things did deviate from the plan. It's not been an easy road, but the benefits far out weigh the troubles, and in some strange way all the troubles have added and enhanced the trip. I still have no idea all of what God has in store for me. But that prayer, the prayer to fully let go, to allow God to fully work in and though me, to live in the present, to encounter new things with a new outlook is being answered everyday in new ways. I've sometimes wondered over the past few weeks if this trip was really meant to be. I began to question if I had heard Him correctly in taking this trip. But it's never been more evident that He brought me here to teach me things I would have never learned otherwise.
Now, a year after hearing God say, TRUST ME AND I'LL TAKE CARE OF YOU, I am beginning to understand what it means to really let go and let God. To really trust Him. It's one of those things people always say, lay down your burdens, He will take them from you, all you have to do is let go. I told myself so many times, yes I laid that down for God, but eventually found myself taking it back up as I thought I knew what was best. But over the last week, my spirit is light and joy is full. There's no real way to express the feeling of truly letting go and trusting in God. It's different for all of us, and a lesson we'll each have to learn one way or the other. I'm so grateful to my omnipotent God, that He didn't give up on me. He continued to plug away and teach me the lessons He would have for me.
So, I still sit wondering which day between April 20 and June 15 I'll go home. I still wonder just what is in store for me over those next few months. I still wonder if I'm fully read to allow God to work in my life the way He intends. But I'm learning that God's love truly is great. His strength sustains me. He is ever present. He is all knowing. He will guide my steps, even when I don't know where to walk. And most importantly, He will be glorified.
I was reading a few 'thoughts' I've written down through out the years. I came across one entitled "A working in me." I wrote it Jan 16 of 2008. Here's what it said:
After this evening's small group and reading a good friends blog - I too am faced with the question "Do you trust ME?" - God.
While sitting in small group tonight and after all of us are considering changing jobs and many people I know (including myself) have said "I'm working somewhere I never thought I would." It came to me that perhaps we find ourselves in these places because they were the path of least resistance at the time, so we walk down them. I didn't trust on God to walk the path I really wanted at the time. I took the 'easier' way. And all along HE keeps saying trust ME and I'll open the right doors. Don't worry about the scores, don't worry about the essay's, don't worry about the money - TRUST ME AND I'LL TAKE CARE OF YOU.
But God works all these things to HIS Glory - despite my mistakes!
So after a refining evening of Hebrews - I find myself needing to focus on Christ and fully actually trusting in God taking me where I want and most importantly where HE wants me.
A week before leaving I wrote another 'thought' entitled, "Learning to let go - with faith." Here's a part of that thought:
As I sit a mere week away from boarding a plane that will take me across the great Atlantic pond, I can’t even imagine what all God has in store for me. People keep asking if I’m excited or ready. Well, yes I’m excited, but ready – are we ever really fully ready to allow God to work in our lives the way He intended. So I ask for your prayers, that I am ready – ready to let go fully, ready to allow God to fully work in and through me, ready to not look back, ready to live in the present, ready to encounter new people and new places with a new outlook.
One thing is for sure – my life will be forever changed – that much I am sure of. And I pray that someone else’s live(s) can be changed forever as well.
As you all know by now, things did deviate from the plan. It's not been an easy road, but the benefits far out weigh the troubles, and in some strange way all the troubles have added and enhanced the trip. I still have no idea all of what God has in store for me. But that prayer, the prayer to fully let go, to allow God to fully work in and though me, to live in the present, to encounter new things with a new outlook is being answered everyday in new ways. I've sometimes wondered over the past few weeks if this trip was really meant to be. I began to question if I had heard Him correctly in taking this trip. But it's never been more evident that He brought me here to teach me things I would have never learned otherwise.
Now, a year after hearing God say, TRUST ME AND I'LL TAKE CARE OF YOU, I am beginning to understand what it means to really let go and let God. To really trust Him. It's one of those things people always say, lay down your burdens, He will take them from you, all you have to do is let go. I told myself so many times, yes I laid that down for God, but eventually found myself taking it back up as I thought I knew what was best. But over the last week, my spirit is light and joy is full. There's no real way to express the feeling of truly letting go and trusting in God. It's different for all of us, and a lesson we'll each have to learn one way or the other. I'm so grateful to my omnipotent God, that He didn't give up on me. He continued to plug away and teach me the lessons He would have for me.
So, I still sit wondering which day between April 20 and June 15 I'll go home. I still wonder just what is in store for me over those next few months. I still wonder if I'm fully read to allow God to work in my life the way He intends. But I'm learning that God's love truly is great. His strength sustains me. He is ever present. He is all knowing. He will guide my steps, even when I don't know where to walk. And most importantly, He will be glorified.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
ding dong ditch... and a cluster of other things...
So we headed out the door this morning like any normal day. You see, here in Spain (and France as well) the lights in the hallways are on timers, to save electricity, as lesson we in the States could learn. We I headed down the 1st flight of stairs and had forgotten to hit the light switch out side of our apartment. So on the next floor I hit the button for what I thought was the light. Oops. It was the doorbell. I took off running down the stairs, laughing and returning an Hola to the people on the next floor. Yes, I suppose I ding dong ditched some people, not on purpose of course, but man I laughed for a good 10 minutes after that.
This morning our goal was to hand out a decent stack of flyers for the youth English weekend. Our goal was to them into mail boxes near our location. Ya see, mailboxes here are inside the building, which of course are open. We tried ringing a few doors, saying Propaganda, hoping someone would buzz us in, but no luck. So we decided to go get some tape and at least tape up some signs right outside the apartments. We started walking, and I'd say out loud, "Father, please open up a few doors for us." BAM! Someone would come in/out of the apartment, so we'd rush over and quickly put the flyers into the mailboxes. We'd walk a little further with not getting in, just taping them to the outside, and again I'd say, "Father please open up a few doors." And again, BAM! a door opened. Really, no lie. Every time I said the words aloud, a door would open. And within an hour we had handed out all the flyers. Which was a blessing for the one teammate as she is having foot troubles. But, it's amazing how I asked in the small things, and God opened the doors. I just continue to pray, that those that received the flyers will call and sign up for the weekend. He opened those doors for some reason.
On another note, I got a new jacket! While we were out handing out the flyers, all the stores that are normally closed when we go out were open. When I had originally packed, I packed much warmer clothes. Not that the jacket was necessary, but it'll be nice not to have to wear the same one day in and day out!
The other day I got the Spring and Summer EP by Jon Foreman. I must say it's quite amazing. But there's a few songs that spoke into my heart. A line in one of the songs says, "It's funny how life is seldom what you plan... Don't let the panic bring you down..." These words could not have been any more perfect for me and my situation. This current life I'm living day in and day out, is not at all what I planned, but don't let the panic bring you down. And another song titled, Your Love is Strong, states: So why do I worry?/Why do I freak out?/God knows what I need/You know what I need//Your love is/Your love is/Your love is strong. Those are my current words, Your love is strong. He does know what I need, and His love will carry me each and every day that He is gracious to give me life.
Also, yesterday, my field supervisors have another plan in mind that could allow me to stay in Europe until June. I'm totally excited about the idea. I cannot really give any details at this point, as many others have to sign off on the idea first, but it was a glimmer of hope for me, just as the sun is shinning today. God is working. I know it. I feel it. And as I said last time, I'm trusting every moment that He is guiding my paths and knows the way before me. He opened the doors today, I know He can continue to open other doors.
- Trusting in HIM - jen
This morning our goal was to hand out a decent stack of flyers for the youth English weekend. Our goal was to them into mail boxes near our location. Ya see, mailboxes here are inside the building, which of course are open. We tried ringing a few doors, saying Propaganda, hoping someone would buzz us in, but no luck. So we decided to go get some tape and at least tape up some signs right outside the apartments. We started walking, and I'd say out loud, "Father, please open up a few doors for us." BAM! Someone would come in/out of the apartment, so we'd rush over and quickly put the flyers into the mailboxes. We'd walk a little further with not getting in, just taping them to the outside, and again I'd say, "Father please open up a few doors." And again, BAM! a door opened. Really, no lie. Every time I said the words aloud, a door would open. And within an hour we had handed out all the flyers. Which was a blessing for the one teammate as she is having foot troubles. But, it's amazing how I asked in the small things, and God opened the doors. I just continue to pray, that those that received the flyers will call and sign up for the weekend. He opened those doors for some reason.
On another note, I got a new jacket! While we were out handing out the flyers, all the stores that are normally closed when we go out were open. When I had originally packed, I packed much warmer clothes. Not that the jacket was necessary, but it'll be nice not to have to wear the same one day in and day out!
The other day I got the Spring and Summer EP by Jon Foreman. I must say it's quite amazing. But there's a few songs that spoke into my heart. A line in one of the songs says, "It's funny how life is seldom what you plan... Don't let the panic bring you down..." These words could not have been any more perfect for me and my situation. This current life I'm living day in and day out, is not at all what I planned, but don't let the panic bring you down. And another song titled, Your Love is Strong, states: So why do I worry?/Why do I freak out?/God knows what I need/You know what I need//Your love is/Your love is/Your love is strong. Those are my current words, Your love is strong. He does know what I need, and His love will carry me each and every day that He is gracious to give me life.
Also, yesterday, my field supervisors have another plan in mind that could allow me to stay in Europe until June. I'm totally excited about the idea. I cannot really give any details at this point, as many others have to sign off on the idea first, but it was a glimmer of hope for me, just as the sun is shinning today. God is working. I know it. I feel it. And as I said last time, I'm trusting every moment that He is guiding my paths and knows the way before me. He opened the doors today, I know He can continue to open other doors.
- Trusting in HIM - jen
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)