this isn't what i signed up for...

I've 'preached' to many people that when going on the field, it's necessary to be flexible. Most of what you plan most likely won't happen, you've got to go with the flow, even if it's not your plan. When I started this adventure last fall, I thought, I know how to be flexible. I even wrote to my field supervisor, I understand flexibility is key to this adventure. I've worked and planned enough trips to know that what you tell me will happen, most likely won't. But I never guessed, just how flexible I would become, and not by my own ability, but through the grace of God and His strength.

It was the afternoon of January 27th that my flexibility started to get tested. Being put in holding and eventually sent back to Paris, I knew things would be different than planned. It was a few days later that I knew, nothing would go as planned. I was told that there would no longer be anyway to get to my original country, and in the next few days I'd be given a few other assignment options. Those next few days were not easy in the slightest. But I held onto God's hand and had an amazing group of believers lifting me up.

On February 8th I boarded a train for Spain. I would be coming back to the city I 'loved', Paris, on June 12th and heading home June 15th. I would be helping teach English conversation groups in San Sebastian. That was the plan. And I thought, how much more flexible do I need to be?

The first week, nothing went according to schedule. It didn't bother me much, but slightly annoying that not one day went as previously planned. But I kept plugging away, and enjoyed the down time in the mean time. This last week, everything pretty much went according to plan. Which greatly enthused me.

Well, yesterday I got word I might have to go home in April instead of June for reasons beyond my control. I hammered away at the furniture I was putting together. My frustration level had reached a new high. This wasn't what I had signed up for in the slightest.

After I got back to my apartment, I wandered out to the balcony with my ipod and David Crowder in hand. The sun was shinning and cars zoomed by. I stood out there and in my head asked God, "Why? Why is this happening?" And these words came over me, "Who are you to question Me." The song playing said He created the mountians and can move them. And I thought, then my God can work out letting me stay here. Then I said, "But I just don't understand this, why any of what's going on is happening." And again, words came over me and they said, "It's not for you to understand."

So no, I don't know why nor do I understand everything that is happening in my life, both here and back home, and most likely I'll never know to the full exent. But I prayed yesterday and my continued pray is for God to be glorified in these situations.

For it's not about me at all. And it doesn't really matter that this isn't what I signed up for at all. It doesn't matter that nothing is going according to my plan or any others, even if I believe and know I'm following after Him. It doesn't matter that I'm constantly not knowing what is going to happen next or when I'll have to go home. It doesn't matter at all. The only thing, the ONLY thing that matters, is that He be glorified in everything, no matter what. If that means I get to stay til June or have to pack up my bags in April, what happens to me isn't what matters.

In a devotional I read daily, it said yesterday (this is as if Jesus were talking to you), "I am leading you, step by step, through your life. Hold My hand in trusting dependence, letting Me guide you though this day. Your future looks uncertain and feels flimsy - even precarious. That is how it should be. Secret things belong to the Lord, and future things are secret things. When you try to figure out the future, you are grasping at things that are Mine. This, like all forms of worry, is an act of rebellion: doubting My promises to care for you.
Whenever you find yourself worrying about the future, repent and return to Me. I will show you the next step forward, and the one after that, and the one after that. Relax and enjoy the journey in My Presence, trusting Me to open up the way before you as you go."

So as being flexible goes, I'm not gonna ask anymore just how much more flexible do I need or have to be, I'll just be and hold His hand and rely on His strength day in and day out. After all, isn't that what He calls us to do. Live a childlike faith with complete trust in our Father. Not worrying about what tomorrow will hold, but living each and every moment in His Presence? He is asking me to take His hand and trust. So that's what I'll do, I'll walk in faith and believe that my God who is mighty and the creator of this universe, can open up doors I never thought imagined.

To God be the glory, in all things great and small. May the world see His greatness and light in all and my prayer is that they see it by the life He's so graciously given to me and that His name be glorified above all.

- jen