on the down hill side...

To my unbelief, I have just a little over 2 weeks left in Spain. At times the days and months have flown by, while at other times they have crept by like a snail. I'd like to say I'm not counting down the days with sheer joy, but I am. I'm fully ready to get back home, eat some real southern American food and enjoy the company of my friends and family. I'm ready to get back and enjoy the summer before turning the next page in my life.

These past four months living in Europe have been the most difficult thing I have ever done. Far more harder than going to college, finishing 2 degrees in 4 years while working, pulling all nighters to study for finals and write a 50 page thesis, much more difficult than getting up at 4:30 am for about a year in order to get to work, and much more taxing than applying to law school.

No one can quite tell you what living on the field is like. There are highs and lows, oh so many lows. There is frustration, confusion, miss communication, no communication at points, pure exhaustion - emotionally, mentally, and especially spiritually. No one quite tells you that the job description you are given is most likely to change within the first week of arriving in your respected location. No one gives you the heads up before, that well, you might not get along well with others serving with you. I mean, despite that we all serve the same God, people are human and make mistakes, sometimes at your expense. No one can quite express the utter loneliness you will feel at times, despite there are people around you. No one lets you know that this journey you are on is really just between you and God. No one ever says, this may quite possibly be the absolute hardest thing you have ever done in your entire life up to this point.

Well, to all those who read this, please take all of what I just said to heart. It's true and real. Some things don't take full affect by merely reading words, but please know all that is very real.

That being said, I think I'd do it all over again. Will I do it again, probably not, but would if I could would I change it, I don't think I would. Ya see, when it's just you and God your world changes in ways it never would have in your comfort zone. It changes you, how you see yourself, how you view others back home, how you view others in your location, how you see God, how you relate to others, and how you relate to God.

When you break it down and all you have is you and God, you learn to love and trust Him in new and different ways. Ways in which you wouldn't have known possible or couldn't have seen if you weren't alone in a foreign country. You learn to pick up His word, read, and gain your strength from Him. There is no community of faith to replenish your cup, He is your sole provider. He wants you to run to Him, be in His arms, depend on Him. You come to the point where you can no longer stand on your own might and you collapse into a giant heap right before the Father. That's when He so graciously and gently lifts your head towards Him. He loving you looks you in the eye, and you know He's there. He won't leave your side; He'll give you the strength, if you just admit you are helpless without Him. He then ever so carefully picks you up, begins to dust you off, all the while loving you like no one else can. He holds your hand and tells you, I'm in control, just trust Me. And that's the point you either find the most amazing release or go back to fighting on your own. And I, I've had the most amazing peace.

That's not to say the days aren't long. That I don't still get upset at things that happen and those that just plain suck. It's not that I still don't struggle nearly daily to make it until it's time to go home, because well I do. But it's only because He is holding my hand, telling me it's all going to be fine, trust Me. Somedays I trust more than others, it's a constant battle. But He's standing here fighting it with me. And for that, I couldn't be more grateful.

In the words of Relient K:
I think I can't, I think I can't, but I think You can, I think You can. Gather my inefficiencies and place them in Your Hands, place them in Your Hands, place them in Your Hands. Never underestimate my Jesus. You're telling me that there's no hope. I'm telling you you're wrong. Never underestimate my Jesus. When the world around you crumbles. He will be strong, He will be strong. (For The Moments I feel Faint).