It's hard to believe I've been back from Europe for 2 1/2 months now. In ways it feels so surreal and a million miles away. Coming back home has certainly been an adjustment, especially seeing I've moved to another state and have begun a new educational endeavor.
Within a week of being home it was apparent that things at home had changed, people had changed, and situations had changed. I was overwhelmed by the loudness of Americans, of the choices at the grocery store, and the amount of food put on your plate at a restaurant.
I'm coming back around to normal on most things. I'm readjusting to the screaming we often call talking and to the 15 choices of Oreo's at Wal-Mart. But there is one aspect of my life I still cannot seem to readjust to, church.
Yes, church. For the 1st 6 or so weeks I went to a church here in America I walked away crying. Not crying because the sermon spoke to me. Not crying because I was overjoyed at being back in an American church. No, these were not and have not been tears of joy, but rather tears of sorrow, sadness, and brokenness.
I remember back to our disorrientation (or debriefing for others) and hearing one of the missionaries say, church was always the hardest thing to adjust to for her when she came back to the States. And I, I couldn't agree more.
My heart is deeply grieved for the state of the church in America. We fill up our pews; have our lights, powerpoint or media shout, big screens, productions we like to call worship, our stage settings, and coffee all in the name of reaching out to the community and the lost. In all our stuff we miss the entire point.
Church is for the believers. Church is for learning, not superficial messages that do not hit the heart of the matter. Church is to truly worship God, not to make sure every light cue goes off perfectly, that the pastor is well manicured and to look like a giant production for the community.
If statistics are true, and America really is 40-50 years behind Europe, I've seen our bleak future. I have seen what having everything can do to people. I've seen the self reliance, the utter spiritual darkness that exists. I've seen the disdain for my Lord. I've seen a people who do not know or care about the TRUTH.
We sit in our churches; hoping people will come in because of our attempts to be like the culture. I've never been more convinced that in order to reach the culture, we have to be unlike our culture. We have to prove and show that our Jesus is something different. That He changed our lives. And they have to see that. Not just say, but actually see that we are working out our faith, that while we may make mistakes, we are all about bringing Him the glory.
When people can see the difference, they become more open to what we say. Their hearts melt a little. They become a little bit more open to what you have to say. I've seen it work. I saw how 4 people lived out their lives in Paris. I saw that because they were truly walking in faith and being obedient they changed the lives of unbelievers around them. They were real, and true, and honest. And because they were, I was able to make connections with a few people. Because they were not conforming to that culture, but rather loving the culture and the people in the culture, they touched the lives of a countless few.
So I've become forever changed. I'm no longer just an American; I'm an American with a little bit of Paris and Spain mixed in. I'm broken. I weep to my Lord for the lost in Europe. I weep to my Lord for the lost in American. And I weep and cry out to my Lord for the lost sitting in the pew on Sunday morning week after week. I weep for the leadership of our churches who allow money and glamour to misguide them and those who take their eyes of the Lord for a moment, and find themselves out of God's will not knowing how they got there. I weep for the people I met and know and spent hours with who do not currently know my God, the one true God.
And I pray that my heart remains broken for the lost, because I feel a little closer to God. In having a glimpse of the pain He feels in knowing His child will not accept His offer of salvation and that they will be condemned to spend eternity without Him.
What will it take for the church to grieve for the lost? Pray for them by name. And go to the Father and intercede on their behalf. Will you allow you're heart to be broken? Will you come before the Father and cry out for those living in Europe, the States, your hometown, your street?
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Monday, May 25, 2009
on the down hill side...
To my unbelief, I have just a little over 2 weeks left in Spain. At times the days and months have flown by, while at other times they have crept by like a snail. I'd like to say I'm not counting down the days with sheer joy, but I am. I'm fully ready to get back home, eat some real southern American food and enjoy the company of my friends and family. I'm ready to get back and enjoy the summer before turning the next page in my life.
These past four months living in Europe have been the most difficult thing I have ever done. Far more harder than going to college, finishing 2 degrees in 4 years while working, pulling all nighters to study for finals and write a 50 page thesis, much more difficult than getting up at 4:30 am for about a year in order to get to work, and much more taxing than applying to law school.
No one can quite tell you what living on the field is like. There are highs and lows, oh so many lows. There is frustration, confusion, miss communication, no communication at points, pure exhaustion - emotionally, mentally, and especially spiritually. No one quite tells you that the job description you are given is most likely to change within the first week of arriving in your respected location. No one gives you the heads up before, that well, you might not get along well with others serving with you. I mean, despite that we all serve the same God, people are human and make mistakes, sometimes at your expense. No one can quite express the utter loneliness you will feel at times, despite there are people around you. No one lets you know that this journey you are on is really just between you and God. No one ever says, this may quite possibly be the absolute hardest thing you have ever done in your entire life up to this point.
Well, to all those who read this, please take all of what I just said to heart. It's true and real. Some things don't take full affect by merely reading words, but please know all that is very real.
That being said, I think I'd do it all over again. Will I do it again, probably not, but would if I could would I change it, I don't think I would. Ya see, when it's just you and God your world changes in ways it never would have in your comfort zone. It changes you, how you see yourself, how you view others back home, how you view others in your location, how you see God, how you relate to others, and how you relate to God.
When you break it down and all you have is you and God, you learn to love and trust Him in new and different ways. Ways in which you wouldn't have known possible or couldn't have seen if you weren't alone in a foreign country. You learn to pick up His word, read, and gain your strength from Him. There is no community of faith to replenish your cup, He is your sole provider. He wants you to run to Him, be in His arms, depend on Him. You come to the point where you can no longer stand on your own might and you collapse into a giant heap right before the Father. That's when He so graciously and gently lifts your head towards Him. He loving you looks you in the eye, and you know He's there. He won't leave your side; He'll give you the strength, if you just admit you are helpless without Him. He then ever so carefully picks you up, begins to dust you off, all the while loving you like no one else can. He holds your hand and tells you, I'm in control, just trust Me. And that's the point you either find the most amazing release or go back to fighting on your own. And I, I've had the most amazing peace.
That's not to say the days aren't long. That I don't still get upset at things that happen and those that just plain suck. It's not that I still don't struggle nearly daily to make it until it's time to go home, because well I do. But it's only because He is holding my hand, telling me it's all going to be fine, trust Me. Somedays I trust more than others, it's a constant battle. But He's standing here fighting it with me. And for that, I couldn't be more grateful.
In the words of Relient K:
I think I can't, I think I can't, but I think You can, I think You can. Gather my inefficiencies and place them in Your Hands, place them in Your Hands, place them in Your Hands. Never underestimate my Jesus. You're telling me that there's no hope. I'm telling you you're wrong. Never underestimate my Jesus. When the world around you crumbles. He will be strong, He will be strong. (For The Moments I feel Faint).
These past four months living in Europe have been the most difficult thing I have ever done. Far more harder than going to college, finishing 2 degrees in 4 years while working, pulling all nighters to study for finals and write a 50 page thesis, much more difficult than getting up at 4:30 am for about a year in order to get to work, and much more taxing than applying to law school.
No one can quite tell you what living on the field is like. There are highs and lows, oh so many lows. There is frustration, confusion, miss communication, no communication at points, pure exhaustion - emotionally, mentally, and especially spiritually. No one quite tells you that the job description you are given is most likely to change within the first week of arriving in your respected location. No one gives you the heads up before, that well, you might not get along well with others serving with you. I mean, despite that we all serve the same God, people are human and make mistakes, sometimes at your expense. No one can quite express the utter loneliness you will feel at times, despite there are people around you. No one lets you know that this journey you are on is really just between you and God. No one ever says, this may quite possibly be the absolute hardest thing you have ever done in your entire life up to this point.
Well, to all those who read this, please take all of what I just said to heart. It's true and real. Some things don't take full affect by merely reading words, but please know all that is very real.
That being said, I think I'd do it all over again. Will I do it again, probably not, but would if I could would I change it, I don't think I would. Ya see, when it's just you and God your world changes in ways it never would have in your comfort zone. It changes you, how you see yourself, how you view others back home, how you view others in your location, how you see God, how you relate to others, and how you relate to God.
When you break it down and all you have is you and God, you learn to love and trust Him in new and different ways. Ways in which you wouldn't have known possible or couldn't have seen if you weren't alone in a foreign country. You learn to pick up His word, read, and gain your strength from Him. There is no community of faith to replenish your cup, He is your sole provider. He wants you to run to Him, be in His arms, depend on Him. You come to the point where you can no longer stand on your own might and you collapse into a giant heap right before the Father. That's when He so graciously and gently lifts your head towards Him. He loving you looks you in the eye, and you know He's there. He won't leave your side; He'll give you the strength, if you just admit you are helpless without Him. He then ever so carefully picks you up, begins to dust you off, all the while loving you like no one else can. He holds your hand and tells you, I'm in control, just trust Me. And that's the point you either find the most amazing release or go back to fighting on your own. And I, I've had the most amazing peace.
That's not to say the days aren't long. That I don't still get upset at things that happen and those that just plain suck. It's not that I still don't struggle nearly daily to make it until it's time to go home, because well I do. But it's only because He is holding my hand, telling me it's all going to be fine, trust Me. Somedays I trust more than others, it's a constant battle. But He's standing here fighting it with me. And for that, I couldn't be more grateful.
In the words of Relient K:
I think I can't, I think I can't, but I think You can, I think You can. Gather my inefficiencies and place them in Your Hands, place them in Your Hands, place them in Your Hands. Never underestimate my Jesus. You're telling me that there's no hope. I'm telling you you're wrong. Never underestimate my Jesus. When the world around you crumbles. He will be strong, He will be strong. (For The Moments I feel Faint).
Monday, April 20, 2009
and then there was one...
I awoke this morning to the sound of my roommate's alarm going off. I believe it was the 1st time in the 3 months that she planned on getting up before me. I watched her pack her last few things and walk out the door onto the elevator for the last time.
I don't think she knows just how good of a friend she had become to me. We share many memories - hours of questioning at UK immigration, being held up in a holding cell for hours, being police escorted through 3 countries, being deported, spending another lovely 2 weeks in Paris, ups and downs of this town we've lived in the past 2 months. We've shared thoughts, feelings, irritations, high points, and a room where we slept about 3 feet away every night for the last 10 weeks.
We've vented about situations that weren't the best. We discovered a city that we've come to love. We had breakdowns, blow ups, and whatever else is in between those two extremes.
She was the only one who got me, who somewhat understood me, and seemingly the only one in Spain who really showed that they cared.
I know it was best for her to leave with the circumstances. But I still feel as if part of me has left. And I hate that things ended the way they did.
But my hope and prayer is that the next 7 weeks or so fly by. I'm getting more English groups and have a few new things to occupy my time.
But I've loved and enjoyed getting to know that special girl. I'll miss our moments of midnight hesteria, I'll miss our 'That's what she said moments,' I'll miss the many moments of yelling 'TOPANGA!', but I'll miss her friendship most of all.
and then there was one...
I don't think she knows just how good of a friend she had become to me. We share many memories - hours of questioning at UK immigration, being held up in a holding cell for hours, being police escorted through 3 countries, being deported, spending another lovely 2 weeks in Paris, ups and downs of this town we've lived in the past 2 months. We've shared thoughts, feelings, irritations, high points, and a room where we slept about 3 feet away every night for the last 10 weeks.
We've vented about situations that weren't the best. We discovered a city that we've come to love. We had breakdowns, blow ups, and whatever else is in between those two extremes.
She was the only one who got me, who somewhat understood me, and seemingly the only one in Spain who really showed that they cared.
I know it was best for her to leave with the circumstances. But I still feel as if part of me has left. And I hate that things ended the way they did.
But my hope and prayer is that the next 7 weeks or so fly by. I'm getting more English groups and have a few new things to occupy my time.
But I've loved and enjoyed getting to know that special girl. I'll miss our moments of midnight hesteria, I'll miss our 'That's what she said moments,' I'll miss the many moments of yelling 'TOPANGA!', but I'll miss her friendship most of all.
and then there was one...
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
a new appreciation...
So I've been on many 'm' trips, and planned them for over a year. But it wasn't until this past week I learned a new appreciation for 'm's' living on the field.
For the past month we've been getting ready for a group of high schoolers coming from TX and another group of adults also from TX. We've put in a lot of work getting the location ready, getting information out about the weekends, planning for orientation for the groups, plus other odds and end information. I never realized just how much work goes into a week trip. It's a lot of work on this side of the field.
Then the week comes when the team gets here. Going to the airport, picking up 14 people, getting them to their location, taking them to get food, being their tour guides around the town. Within the first few days, it really stuck me that I'm poor! Not in a horrible way, but eating out isn't much of an option. And with a group, there's not much of a choice. So when they offer to buy food that's great as eating a meal out can be at least half if not all your daily allowance for food. I'm beginning to see now why 'm's' are so thankful for what we see as small things, because really they are huge things for them.
As I sat in the girls room in the hostel, I saw one bring out a bag of candy and I immediately spotted a Snickers. Ya see, they're my favorite those and Reese's. And gratefully, I got to have some Snickers and Reese's! And I thought, I've only been gone 2 months, I can't imagine how these 'm's' who have been here for years get along. I suppose they get use to not having things and finding new loves in their country.
And not only do you have this group here and needing to make sure they eat, sleep, and other things, you have your day to day activities that still must go on. They've still got to get the kids to school, have the normal English conversation groups, do laundry, go to the grocrey! It's not that easy.
I sit here and think though, that when my one supervisor says we were angels sent to them, I really see it. I know this isn't where we were planning on going, but I can see why we might be here. If it's just to have helped get ready for this group. To be a huge part of the orienation for the group. To be their guides around the town (and amazingly enough, sometimes a tanslator!). To get them from point A to point B. To help in watching the kids at dinner so they can better assist the other team. As I've said before, it's the small things.
So, yeah, I've got a new appreciation for those living on the field for long term. They are called.
For the past month we've been getting ready for a group of high schoolers coming from TX and another group of adults also from TX. We've put in a lot of work getting the location ready, getting information out about the weekends, planning for orientation for the groups, plus other odds and end information. I never realized just how much work goes into a week trip. It's a lot of work on this side of the field.
Then the week comes when the team gets here. Going to the airport, picking up 14 people, getting them to their location, taking them to get food, being their tour guides around the town. Within the first few days, it really stuck me that I'm poor! Not in a horrible way, but eating out isn't much of an option. And with a group, there's not much of a choice. So when they offer to buy food that's great as eating a meal out can be at least half if not all your daily allowance for food. I'm beginning to see now why 'm's' are so thankful for what we see as small things, because really they are huge things for them.
As I sat in the girls room in the hostel, I saw one bring out a bag of candy and I immediately spotted a Snickers. Ya see, they're my favorite those and Reese's. And gratefully, I got to have some Snickers and Reese's! And I thought, I've only been gone 2 months, I can't imagine how these 'm's' who have been here for years get along. I suppose they get use to not having things and finding new loves in their country.
And not only do you have this group here and needing to make sure they eat, sleep, and other things, you have your day to day activities that still must go on. They've still got to get the kids to school, have the normal English conversation groups, do laundry, go to the grocrey! It's not that easy.
I sit here and think though, that when my one supervisor says we were angels sent to them, I really see it. I know this isn't where we were planning on going, but I can see why we might be here. If it's just to have helped get ready for this group. To be a huge part of the orienation for the group. To be their guides around the town (and amazingly enough, sometimes a tanslator!). To get them from point A to point B. To help in watching the kids at dinner so they can better assist the other team. As I've said before, it's the small things.
So, yeah, I've got a new appreciation for those living on the field for long term. They are called.
Monday, March 9, 2009
i hate to cry...
For most people that know me, they know I don't like to cry, nay, I hate to cry. And crying in front of people, that's just unthinkable and unbearable. I like to think of crying as a weakness. And I often identify myself as the strong one in my group of friends. I'm the one to come to when life has blown up in your face. I'm the one who'll listen, give sound advice, and be that shoulder for you to cry on. I'm the strong one, that's me.
Well, I believe God has a sense of humor, in more ways than one. And over the past few months, He's been trying to show me, I'm not the strong one, He is. In fact, I'm weak and even my 'strongest' point doesn't even compare to God's 'weakest' point.
During the first week of orientation we sang a song by Casting Crowns called "In Me." These words struck accord with me then, but I didn't know how much they would come to mean to me two months later. It speaks of God asking people to go into lands, preach His word, carry His light into foreign lands, and the part that strikes home with me goes:
I'll go, but I cannot go alone
'Cause I know I'm nothing on my own
But the power of Christ in me makes me strong
Makes me strong
'Cause when I'm weak, You make me strong
When I'm blind you shine Your light on me
'Cause I'll never get by living on my own ability
How refreshing to know You don't need me
How amazing to find that You want me
So I'll stand on Your Truth, and I'll fight with Your Strength
Until You bring the victory, by the power of Christ in me
You see, I've spent years building up a 100 foot wall. I felt it made me strong. No one got in, and nothing got out. And being emotional, crying, like I said, that is one of the biggest weakness a person can have, so I thought. But alas, I've found myself crying in front of complete strangers. I've found myself crying for hours. I've found myself crying for reasons I didn't even know why. Life had blown up in my face. My plans (which is another place I feel God has a sense of humor, but that's another story) we're crumbled up and thrown out. My 100 foot wall can tumbling down. But all I could do was watch things fall apart, sit there, and allow these people to sit with me. They sat with me in piles of rubble that were my plans and helped me to wipe away the tears that streamed down my cheeks. They embraced me and shared their similar stories. And all the while, I kept thinking, I'm not this girl. I don't cry I'm the strong one.
And then the other night, as Katie and I were having one of our many 1:00 AM talks, those words came back to me. "When I am weak, You make me strong." I mean, WOW. Yes, that's such an early childhood Sunday school lesson, but really, I think that might be one of the first times in my life I really recognized just how truly weak I am and just how strong HE is. My fear and hate of crying that shows my weakness is a perfect place for Him to show His strength. He gives strength to the weak. I am not the strong one no matter what I'd like to think.
So crying, while it does make the eyes puffy and red, has it's place. I pray that through these experiences, I will remember that. I'm not strong, but God makes me strong by graciously allowing me to rely on His amazing strength. And I pray that one day, these circumstances and lessons I've learned can show the glory of God and others may come to know Him. I pray that God uses my life and stories to show just how gracious and loving He is.
To live another day. To breathe another breath. To tell of His love one more time.
- jen
Well, I believe God has a sense of humor, in more ways than one. And over the past few months, He's been trying to show me, I'm not the strong one, He is. In fact, I'm weak and even my 'strongest' point doesn't even compare to God's 'weakest' point.
During the first week of orientation we sang a song by Casting Crowns called "In Me." These words struck accord with me then, but I didn't know how much they would come to mean to me two months later. It speaks of God asking people to go into lands, preach His word, carry His light into foreign lands, and the part that strikes home with me goes:
I'll go, but I cannot go alone
'Cause I know I'm nothing on my own
But the power of Christ in me makes me strong
Makes me strong
'Cause when I'm weak, You make me strong
When I'm blind you shine Your light on me
'Cause I'll never get by living on my own ability
How refreshing to know You don't need me
How amazing to find that You want me
So I'll stand on Your Truth, and I'll fight with Your Strength
Until You bring the victory, by the power of Christ in me
You see, I've spent years building up a 100 foot wall. I felt it made me strong. No one got in, and nothing got out. And being emotional, crying, like I said, that is one of the biggest weakness a person can have, so I thought. But alas, I've found myself crying in front of complete strangers. I've found myself crying for hours. I've found myself crying for reasons I didn't even know why. Life had blown up in my face. My plans (which is another place I feel God has a sense of humor, but that's another story) we're crumbled up and thrown out. My 100 foot wall can tumbling down. But all I could do was watch things fall apart, sit there, and allow these people to sit with me. They sat with me in piles of rubble that were my plans and helped me to wipe away the tears that streamed down my cheeks. They embraced me and shared their similar stories. And all the while, I kept thinking, I'm not this girl. I don't cry I'm the strong one.
And then the other night, as Katie and I were having one of our many 1:00 AM talks, those words came back to me. "When I am weak, You make me strong." I mean, WOW. Yes, that's such an early childhood Sunday school lesson, but really, I think that might be one of the first times in my life I really recognized just how truly weak I am and just how strong HE is. My fear and hate of crying that shows my weakness is a perfect place for Him to show His strength. He gives strength to the weak. I am not the strong one no matter what I'd like to think.
So crying, while it does make the eyes puffy and red, has it's place. I pray that through these experiences, I will remember that. I'm not strong, but God makes me strong by graciously allowing me to rely on His amazing strength. And I pray that one day, these circumstances and lessons I've learned can show the glory of God and others may come to know Him. I pray that God uses my life and stories to show just how gracious and loving He is.
To live another day. To breathe another breath. To tell of His love one more time.
- jen
Thursday, March 5, 2009
sometimes, it takes a while to learn...
God is faithful and ever present. When we ask something of Him, He always provides. Not perhaps in our timing, but in His perfect timing, all things come together.
I was reading a few 'thoughts' I've written down through out the years. I came across one entitled "A working in me." I wrote it Jan 16 of 2008. Here's what it said:
After this evening's small group and reading a good friends blog - I too am faced with the question "Do you trust ME?" - God.
While sitting in small group tonight and after all of us are considering changing jobs and many people I know (including myself) have said "I'm working somewhere I never thought I would." It came to me that perhaps we find ourselves in these places because they were the path of least resistance at the time, so we walk down them. I didn't trust on God to walk the path I really wanted at the time. I took the 'easier' way. And all along HE keeps saying trust ME and I'll open the right doors. Don't worry about the scores, don't worry about the essay's, don't worry about the money - TRUST ME AND I'LL TAKE CARE OF YOU.
But God works all these things to HIS Glory - despite my mistakes!
So after a refining evening of Hebrews - I find myself needing to focus on Christ and fully actually trusting in God taking me where I want and most importantly where HE wants me.
A week before leaving I wrote another 'thought' entitled, "Learning to let go - with faith." Here's a part of that thought:
As I sit a mere week away from boarding a plane that will take me across the great Atlantic pond, I can’t even imagine what all God has in store for me. People keep asking if I’m excited or ready. Well, yes I’m excited, but ready – are we ever really fully ready to allow God to work in our lives the way He intended. So I ask for your prayers, that I am ready – ready to let go fully, ready to allow God to fully work in and through me, ready to not look back, ready to live in the present, ready to encounter new people and new places with a new outlook.
One thing is for sure – my life will be forever changed – that much I am sure of. And I pray that someone else’s live(s) can be changed forever as well.
As you all know by now, things did deviate from the plan. It's not been an easy road, but the benefits far out weigh the troubles, and in some strange way all the troubles have added and enhanced the trip. I still have no idea all of what God has in store for me. But that prayer, the prayer to fully let go, to allow God to fully work in and though me, to live in the present, to encounter new things with a new outlook is being answered everyday in new ways. I've sometimes wondered over the past few weeks if this trip was really meant to be. I began to question if I had heard Him correctly in taking this trip. But it's never been more evident that He brought me here to teach me things I would have never learned otherwise.
Now, a year after hearing God say, TRUST ME AND I'LL TAKE CARE OF YOU, I am beginning to understand what it means to really let go and let God. To really trust Him. It's one of those things people always say, lay down your burdens, He will take them from you, all you have to do is let go. I told myself so many times, yes I laid that down for God, but eventually found myself taking it back up as I thought I knew what was best. But over the last week, my spirit is light and joy is full. There's no real way to express the feeling of truly letting go and trusting in God. It's different for all of us, and a lesson we'll each have to learn one way or the other. I'm so grateful to my omnipotent God, that He didn't give up on me. He continued to plug away and teach me the lessons He would have for me.
So, I still sit wondering which day between April 20 and June 15 I'll go home. I still wonder just what is in store for me over those next few months. I still wonder if I'm fully read to allow God to work in my life the way He intends. But I'm learning that God's love truly is great. His strength sustains me. He is ever present. He is all knowing. He will guide my steps, even when I don't know where to walk. And most importantly, He will be glorified.
I was reading a few 'thoughts' I've written down through out the years. I came across one entitled "A working in me." I wrote it Jan 16 of 2008. Here's what it said:
After this evening's small group and reading a good friends blog - I too am faced with the question "Do you trust ME?" - God.
While sitting in small group tonight and after all of us are considering changing jobs and many people I know (including myself) have said "I'm working somewhere I never thought I would." It came to me that perhaps we find ourselves in these places because they were the path of least resistance at the time, so we walk down them. I didn't trust on God to walk the path I really wanted at the time. I took the 'easier' way. And all along HE keeps saying trust ME and I'll open the right doors. Don't worry about the scores, don't worry about the essay's, don't worry about the money - TRUST ME AND I'LL TAKE CARE OF YOU.
But God works all these things to HIS Glory - despite my mistakes!
So after a refining evening of Hebrews - I find myself needing to focus on Christ and fully actually trusting in God taking me where I want and most importantly where HE wants me.
A week before leaving I wrote another 'thought' entitled, "Learning to let go - with faith." Here's a part of that thought:
As I sit a mere week away from boarding a plane that will take me across the great Atlantic pond, I can’t even imagine what all God has in store for me. People keep asking if I’m excited or ready. Well, yes I’m excited, but ready – are we ever really fully ready to allow God to work in our lives the way He intended. So I ask for your prayers, that I am ready – ready to let go fully, ready to allow God to fully work in and through me, ready to not look back, ready to live in the present, ready to encounter new people and new places with a new outlook.
One thing is for sure – my life will be forever changed – that much I am sure of. And I pray that someone else’s live(s) can be changed forever as well.
As you all know by now, things did deviate from the plan. It's not been an easy road, but the benefits far out weigh the troubles, and in some strange way all the troubles have added and enhanced the trip. I still have no idea all of what God has in store for me. But that prayer, the prayer to fully let go, to allow God to fully work in and though me, to live in the present, to encounter new things with a new outlook is being answered everyday in new ways. I've sometimes wondered over the past few weeks if this trip was really meant to be. I began to question if I had heard Him correctly in taking this trip. But it's never been more evident that He brought me here to teach me things I would have never learned otherwise.
Now, a year after hearing God say, TRUST ME AND I'LL TAKE CARE OF YOU, I am beginning to understand what it means to really let go and let God. To really trust Him. It's one of those things people always say, lay down your burdens, He will take them from you, all you have to do is let go. I told myself so many times, yes I laid that down for God, but eventually found myself taking it back up as I thought I knew what was best. But over the last week, my spirit is light and joy is full. There's no real way to express the feeling of truly letting go and trusting in God. It's different for all of us, and a lesson we'll each have to learn one way or the other. I'm so grateful to my omnipotent God, that He didn't give up on me. He continued to plug away and teach me the lessons He would have for me.
So, I still sit wondering which day between April 20 and June 15 I'll go home. I still wonder just what is in store for me over those next few months. I still wonder if I'm fully read to allow God to work in my life the way He intends. But I'm learning that God's love truly is great. His strength sustains me. He is ever present. He is all knowing. He will guide my steps, even when I don't know where to walk. And most importantly, He will be glorified.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
ding dong ditch... and a cluster of other things...
So we headed out the door this morning like any normal day. You see, here in Spain (and France as well) the lights in the hallways are on timers, to save electricity, as lesson we in the States could learn. We I headed down the 1st flight of stairs and had forgotten to hit the light switch out side of our apartment. So on the next floor I hit the button for what I thought was the light. Oops. It was the doorbell. I took off running down the stairs, laughing and returning an Hola to the people on the next floor. Yes, I suppose I ding dong ditched some people, not on purpose of course, but man I laughed for a good 10 minutes after that.
This morning our goal was to hand out a decent stack of flyers for the youth English weekend. Our goal was to them into mail boxes near our location. Ya see, mailboxes here are inside the building, which of course are open. We tried ringing a few doors, saying Propaganda, hoping someone would buzz us in, but no luck. So we decided to go get some tape and at least tape up some signs right outside the apartments. We started walking, and I'd say out loud, "Father, please open up a few doors for us." BAM! Someone would come in/out of the apartment, so we'd rush over and quickly put the flyers into the mailboxes. We'd walk a little further with not getting in, just taping them to the outside, and again I'd say, "Father please open up a few doors." And again, BAM! a door opened. Really, no lie. Every time I said the words aloud, a door would open. And within an hour we had handed out all the flyers. Which was a blessing for the one teammate as she is having foot troubles. But, it's amazing how I asked in the small things, and God opened the doors. I just continue to pray, that those that received the flyers will call and sign up for the weekend. He opened those doors for some reason.
On another note, I got a new jacket! While we were out handing out the flyers, all the stores that are normally closed when we go out were open. When I had originally packed, I packed much warmer clothes. Not that the jacket was necessary, but it'll be nice not to have to wear the same one day in and day out!
The other day I got the Spring and Summer EP by Jon Foreman. I must say it's quite amazing. But there's a few songs that spoke into my heart. A line in one of the songs says, "It's funny how life is seldom what you plan... Don't let the panic bring you down..." These words could not have been any more perfect for me and my situation. This current life I'm living day in and day out, is not at all what I planned, but don't let the panic bring you down. And another song titled, Your Love is Strong, states: So why do I worry?/Why do I freak out?/God knows what I need/You know what I need//Your love is/Your love is/Your love is strong. Those are my current words, Your love is strong. He does know what I need, and His love will carry me each and every day that He is gracious to give me life.
Also, yesterday, my field supervisors have another plan in mind that could allow me to stay in Europe until June. I'm totally excited about the idea. I cannot really give any details at this point, as many others have to sign off on the idea first, but it was a glimmer of hope for me, just as the sun is shinning today. God is working. I know it. I feel it. And as I said last time, I'm trusting every moment that He is guiding my paths and knows the way before me. He opened the doors today, I know He can continue to open other doors.
- Trusting in HIM - jen
This morning our goal was to hand out a decent stack of flyers for the youth English weekend. Our goal was to them into mail boxes near our location. Ya see, mailboxes here are inside the building, which of course are open. We tried ringing a few doors, saying Propaganda, hoping someone would buzz us in, but no luck. So we decided to go get some tape and at least tape up some signs right outside the apartments. We started walking, and I'd say out loud, "Father, please open up a few doors for us." BAM! Someone would come in/out of the apartment, so we'd rush over and quickly put the flyers into the mailboxes. We'd walk a little further with not getting in, just taping them to the outside, and again I'd say, "Father please open up a few doors." And again, BAM! a door opened. Really, no lie. Every time I said the words aloud, a door would open. And within an hour we had handed out all the flyers. Which was a blessing for the one teammate as she is having foot troubles. But, it's amazing how I asked in the small things, and God opened the doors. I just continue to pray, that those that received the flyers will call and sign up for the weekend. He opened those doors for some reason.
On another note, I got a new jacket! While we were out handing out the flyers, all the stores that are normally closed when we go out were open. When I had originally packed, I packed much warmer clothes. Not that the jacket was necessary, but it'll be nice not to have to wear the same one day in and day out!
The other day I got the Spring and Summer EP by Jon Foreman. I must say it's quite amazing. But there's a few songs that spoke into my heart. A line in one of the songs says, "It's funny how life is seldom what you plan... Don't let the panic bring you down..." These words could not have been any more perfect for me and my situation. This current life I'm living day in and day out, is not at all what I planned, but don't let the panic bring you down. And another song titled, Your Love is Strong, states: So why do I worry?/Why do I freak out?/God knows what I need/You know what I need//Your love is/Your love is/Your love is strong. Those are my current words, Your love is strong. He does know what I need, and His love will carry me each and every day that He is gracious to give me life.
Also, yesterday, my field supervisors have another plan in mind that could allow me to stay in Europe until June. I'm totally excited about the idea. I cannot really give any details at this point, as many others have to sign off on the idea first, but it was a glimmer of hope for me, just as the sun is shinning today. God is working. I know it. I feel it. And as I said last time, I'm trusting every moment that He is guiding my paths and knows the way before me. He opened the doors today, I know He can continue to open other doors.
- Trusting in HIM - jen
Thursday, February 26, 2009
this isn't what i signed up for...
I've 'preached' to many people that when going on the field, it's necessary to be flexible. Most of what you plan most likely won't happen, you've got to go with the flow, even if it's not your plan. When I started this adventure last fall, I thought, I know how to be flexible. I even wrote to my field supervisor, I understand flexibility is key to this adventure. I've worked and planned enough trips to know that what you tell me will happen, most likely won't. But I never guessed, just how flexible I would become, and not by my own ability, but through the grace of God and His strength.
It was the afternoon of January 27th that my flexibility started to get tested. Being put in holding and eventually sent back to Paris, I knew things would be different than planned. It was a few days later that I knew, nothing would go as planned. I was told that there would no longer be anyway to get to my original country, and in the next few days I'd be given a few other assignment options. Those next few days were not easy in the slightest. But I held onto God's hand and had an amazing group of believers lifting me up.
On February 8th I boarded a train for Spain. I would be coming back to the city I 'loved', Paris, on June 12th and heading home June 15th. I would be helping teach English conversation groups in San Sebastian. That was the plan. And I thought, how much more flexible do I need to be?
The first week, nothing went according to schedule. It didn't bother me much, but slightly annoying that not one day went as previously planned. But I kept plugging away, and enjoyed the down time in the mean time. This last week, everything pretty much went according to plan. Which greatly enthused me.
Well, yesterday I got word I might have to go home in April instead of June for reasons beyond my control. I hammered away at the furniture I was putting together. My frustration level had reached a new high. This wasn't what I had signed up for in the slightest.
After I got back to my apartment, I wandered out to the balcony with my ipod and David Crowder in hand. The sun was shinning and cars zoomed by. I stood out there and in my head asked God, "Why? Why is this happening?" And these words came over me, "Who are you to question Me." The song playing said He created the mountians and can move them. And I thought, then my God can work out letting me stay here. Then I said, "But I just don't understand this, why any of what's going on is happening." And again, words came over me and they said, "It's not for you to understand."
So no, I don't know why nor do I understand everything that is happening in my life, both here and back home, and most likely I'll never know to the full exent. But I prayed yesterday and my continued pray is for God to be glorified in these situations.
For it's not about me at all. And it doesn't really matter that this isn't what I signed up for at all. It doesn't matter that nothing is going according to my plan or any others, even if I believe and know I'm following after Him. It doesn't matter that I'm constantly not knowing what is going to happen next or when I'll have to go home. It doesn't matter at all. The only thing, the ONLY thing that matters, is that He be glorified in everything, no matter what. If that means I get to stay til June or have to pack up my bags in April, what happens to me isn't what matters.
In a devotional I read daily, it said yesterday (this is as if Jesus were talking to you), "I am leading you, step by step, through your life. Hold My hand in trusting dependence, letting Me guide you though this day. Your future looks uncertain and feels flimsy - even precarious. That is how it should be. Secret things belong to the Lord, and future things are secret things. When you try to figure out the future, you are grasping at things that are Mine. This, like all forms of worry, is an act of rebellion: doubting My promises to care for you.
Whenever you find yourself worrying about the future, repent and return to Me. I will show you the next step forward, and the one after that, and the one after that. Relax and enjoy the journey in My Presence, trusting Me to open up the way before you as you go."
So as being flexible goes, I'm not gonna ask anymore just how much more flexible do I need or have to be, I'll just be and hold His hand and rely on His strength day in and day out. After all, isn't that what He calls us to do. Live a childlike faith with complete trust in our Father. Not worrying about what tomorrow will hold, but living each and every moment in His Presence? He is asking me to take His hand and trust. So that's what I'll do, I'll walk in faith and believe that my God who is mighty and the creator of this universe, can open up doors I never thought imagined.
To God be the glory, in all things great and small. May the world see His greatness and light in all and my prayer is that they see it by the life He's so graciously given to me and that His name be glorified above all.
- jen
It was the afternoon of January 27th that my flexibility started to get tested. Being put in holding and eventually sent back to Paris, I knew things would be different than planned. It was a few days later that I knew, nothing would go as planned. I was told that there would no longer be anyway to get to my original country, and in the next few days I'd be given a few other assignment options. Those next few days were not easy in the slightest. But I held onto God's hand and had an amazing group of believers lifting me up.
On February 8th I boarded a train for Spain. I would be coming back to the city I 'loved', Paris, on June 12th and heading home June 15th. I would be helping teach English conversation groups in San Sebastian. That was the plan. And I thought, how much more flexible do I need to be?
The first week, nothing went according to schedule. It didn't bother me much, but slightly annoying that not one day went as previously planned. But I kept plugging away, and enjoyed the down time in the mean time. This last week, everything pretty much went according to plan. Which greatly enthused me.
Well, yesterday I got word I might have to go home in April instead of June for reasons beyond my control. I hammered away at the furniture I was putting together. My frustration level had reached a new high. This wasn't what I had signed up for in the slightest.
After I got back to my apartment, I wandered out to the balcony with my ipod and David Crowder in hand. The sun was shinning and cars zoomed by. I stood out there and in my head asked God, "Why? Why is this happening?" And these words came over me, "Who are you to question Me." The song playing said He created the mountians and can move them. And I thought, then my God can work out letting me stay here. Then I said, "But I just don't understand this, why any of what's going on is happening." And again, words came over me and they said, "It's not for you to understand."
So no, I don't know why nor do I understand everything that is happening in my life, both here and back home, and most likely I'll never know to the full exent. But I prayed yesterday and my continued pray is for God to be glorified in these situations.
For it's not about me at all. And it doesn't really matter that this isn't what I signed up for at all. It doesn't matter that nothing is going according to my plan or any others, even if I believe and know I'm following after Him. It doesn't matter that I'm constantly not knowing what is going to happen next or when I'll have to go home. It doesn't matter at all. The only thing, the ONLY thing that matters, is that He be glorified in everything, no matter what. If that means I get to stay til June or have to pack up my bags in April, what happens to me isn't what matters.
In a devotional I read daily, it said yesterday (this is as if Jesus were talking to you), "I am leading you, step by step, through your life. Hold My hand in trusting dependence, letting Me guide you though this day. Your future looks uncertain and feels flimsy - even precarious. That is how it should be. Secret things belong to the Lord, and future things are secret things. When you try to figure out the future, you are grasping at things that are Mine. This, like all forms of worry, is an act of rebellion: doubting My promises to care for you.
Whenever you find yourself worrying about the future, repent and return to Me. I will show you the next step forward, and the one after that, and the one after that. Relax and enjoy the journey in My Presence, trusting Me to open up the way before you as you go."
So as being flexible goes, I'm not gonna ask anymore just how much more flexible do I need or have to be, I'll just be and hold His hand and rely on His strength day in and day out. After all, isn't that what He calls us to do. Live a childlike faith with complete trust in our Father. Not worrying about what tomorrow will hold, but living each and every moment in His Presence? He is asking me to take His hand and trust. So that's what I'll do, I'll walk in faith and believe that my God who is mighty and the creator of this universe, can open up doors I never thought imagined.
To God be the glory, in all things great and small. May the world see His greatness and light in all and my prayer is that they see it by the life He's so graciously given to me and that His name be glorified above all.
- jen
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
let the sun shine down...
I am amazed at how much the sun can make a difference. We awoke to blue skies and the sun shinning today. Being that yesterday was cloudy and kinda dreary, Katie and I decided to venture out to the beach to soak up some sunlight.
I thoroughly enjoyed the sun beating down upon me. After a few hours, Katie decided to head back to our place and decided to venture out on my own. I realized yesterday, that I had yet to be 'alone' since before I started this trip. That is a month and a few days.
After putting in my earbuds, I walked along the beach, taking a few random pictures and ending up in the old part of town. I really just wanted some awesome gummies from the candy store and wanted to get Katie her Mt. Dew she'd been craving for the past few days. So far, that candy store is the only place to buy a Mt. Dew. I got to the candy store and deciphered with my little bit of Spanish, that they would not be open until about 4:30. So I realized I had at least a good hour to kill.
So I wandered downtown for a bit, sat and read a book for awhile, and eventually found myself sitting by the ocean at the port thinking and writing.
I realized, that as I had walked around today, that compared to yesterday, there were so many more people out, sitting having coffee, walking along the beach (some even swimming). I realized just how much life the sun brings to this town. I know personally, I enjoyed this afternoon far more than the dreary day before. And that got me to thinking of a beautiful analogy. The Son brings Life. Just as the giant ball of gas in the sky brings people joy and out of their homes in communion with others, the Son brings true life to all. The thing is, we have to open our eyes and see His brilliance shinning down upon us.
It's so easy to get bogged down when the light is not visible. But ultimately the light is always there, it's just that the clouds can get in the way. Just as spiritual clouds can begin to fog up our view, we must remember that His light is always shinning and should be shinning through us.
I'm pretty convinced I'm going to come home with freckles all over my face from spending so much time in the sun, but there's just something about the sun that refreshes the soul.
Go in peace and let the Son refresh your soul.
jen
I thoroughly enjoyed the sun beating down upon me. After a few hours, Katie decided to head back to our place and decided to venture out on my own. I realized yesterday, that I had yet to be 'alone' since before I started this trip. That is a month and a few days.
After putting in my earbuds, I walked along the beach, taking a few random pictures and ending up in the old part of town. I really just wanted some awesome gummies from the candy store and wanted to get Katie her Mt. Dew she'd been craving for the past few days. So far, that candy store is the only place to buy a Mt. Dew. I got to the candy store and deciphered with my little bit of Spanish, that they would not be open until about 4:30. So I realized I had at least a good hour to kill.
So I wandered downtown for a bit, sat and read a book for awhile, and eventually found myself sitting by the ocean at the port thinking and writing.
I realized, that as I had walked around today, that compared to yesterday, there were so many more people out, sitting having coffee, walking along the beach (some even swimming). I realized just how much life the sun brings to this town. I know personally, I enjoyed this afternoon far more than the dreary day before. And that got me to thinking of a beautiful analogy. The Son brings Life. Just as the giant ball of gas in the sky brings people joy and out of their homes in communion with others, the Son brings true life to all. The thing is, we have to open our eyes and see His brilliance shinning down upon us.
It's so easy to get bogged down when the light is not visible. But ultimately the light is always there, it's just that the clouds can get in the way. Just as spiritual clouds can begin to fog up our view, we must remember that His light is always shinning and should be shinning through us.
I'm pretty convinced I'm going to come home with freckles all over my face from spending so much time in the sun, but there's just something about the sun that refreshes the soul.
Go in peace and let the Son refresh your soul.
jen
Monday, February 23, 2009
it's the litte things...
So I've determined it's the little things in life that make or break the day. It's the little things that annoy me. It's the little things that make me smile. It's the little things that make me want to scream. It's the little things that get me though each day. It's the little things...
Some of the little things I miss from home...
...I miss my big little brother just randomly walking in my room and annoying the heck out of me.
...I miss the random text messages from my dear friend throughout the day about some random thing that just happened.
...I miss my dad asking what I want for dinner.
...I miss driving.
...A dryer!
...I miss Mexican food. Pancho's, Qudoba, Moe's!
...Watching The Office with a group of friends.
...Movies! and movie nights.
...The vent in the bathroom.
...Group outings.
...Eating out with friends.
...A community of faith.
...Drinks from Sonic.
...Cracker Barrel (more or less, comfort foods!)
...My lil brother taking out the trash :)
...My best friends dog. I love that dog.
Some of the things that just get on my nerves...
...That the kitchen towels don't actually get anything dry.
...That drying something takes at least 2 days, and it's stiff when it does get dry and has lent all over it.
...Making homemade cookies (we don't have an oven).
...That when you do dishes, everything gets wet.
...How everything in the refrigerator somehow gets wet.
...The heater and the random noises it makes when turning on or off.
...Lent everywhere!
...That when you take a shower, everything in the bathroom gets a nice layer of moisture on it.
...How you can hear the people in the next apartment as if you were sitting next to them.
...Hearing people recycle glass at all times of the night.
...That there is really no counter space in the kitchen.
...Only having 1 frying pan.
...Having items to use in the oven, but not actually having an oven.
...That the only rooms that are warm is mine and Katie's room and Esther's room. The living room is affectionately called The Frozen Tundra.
...That when it's time to go to bed, everyone back home is just getting online. And when I'm awake, they are asleep. Oh well.
Some of the things that make me smile and keep me going day in and day out...
...Random notes from people back home (through email or facebook).
...Random people I've not talked to in years asking how Spain is and how I'm doing.
...Chatting with friends on facebook.
...Being able to understand just a little Spanish.
...Hearing English randomly as I walk the streets.
...Watching the other Hands On members videos, reading their bolgs, and chatting with them via facebook. We may be all over, but we're all going through similar things.
...People's statuses on facebook. Heck sometimes, they just make me smile.
...Reading people's comments on my photos/videos.
...The beach :)
...Katie saying she likes my cooking.
...Catching up on The Office through YouTube.
It's the little things, the little things that keep me going.
Some of the little things I miss from home...
...I miss my big little brother just randomly walking in my room and annoying the heck out of me.
...I miss the random text messages from my dear friend throughout the day about some random thing that just happened.
...I miss my dad asking what I want for dinner.
...I miss driving.
...A dryer!
...I miss Mexican food. Pancho's, Qudoba, Moe's!
...Watching The Office with a group of friends.
...Movies! and movie nights.
...The vent in the bathroom.
...Group outings.
...Eating out with friends.
...A community of faith.
...Drinks from Sonic.
...Cracker Barrel (more or less, comfort foods!)
...My lil brother taking out the trash :)
...My best friends dog. I love that dog.
Some of the things that just get on my nerves...
...That the kitchen towels don't actually get anything dry.
...That drying something takes at least 2 days, and it's stiff when it does get dry and has lent all over it.
...Making homemade cookies (we don't have an oven).
...That when you do dishes, everything gets wet.
...How everything in the refrigerator somehow gets wet.
...The heater and the random noises it makes when turning on or off.
...Lent everywhere!
...That when you take a shower, everything in the bathroom gets a nice layer of moisture on it.
...How you can hear the people in the next apartment as if you were sitting next to them.
...Hearing people recycle glass at all times of the night.
...That there is really no counter space in the kitchen.
...Only having 1 frying pan.
...Having items to use in the oven, but not actually having an oven.
...That the only rooms that are warm is mine and Katie's room and Esther's room. The living room is affectionately called The Frozen Tundra.
...That when it's time to go to bed, everyone back home is just getting online. And when I'm awake, they are asleep. Oh well.
Some of the things that make me smile and keep me going day in and day out...
...Random notes from people back home (through email or facebook).
...Random people I've not talked to in years asking how Spain is and how I'm doing.
...Chatting with friends on facebook.
...Being able to understand just a little Spanish.
...Hearing English randomly as I walk the streets.
...Watching the other Hands On members videos, reading their bolgs, and chatting with them via facebook. We may be all over, but we're all going through similar things.
...People's statuses on facebook. Heck sometimes, they just make me smile.
...Reading people's comments on my photos/videos.
...The beach :)
...Katie saying she likes my cooking.
...Catching up on The Office through YouTube.
It's the little things, the little things that keep me going.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
not a typical Sunday...
We ventured out this morning to attend a local Baptist church. We started worship with several songs. Some I knew and could sing a long with (in English) and others I could make out the words by reading them on the screen. But I could feel the spirit among these people. I'm not too sure what all was being said, but at one point during the singing we turned to 2 Timothy 4:1-8 (well at least I think that is where we were suppose to go. If not, God meant for me to read these words.)
You can whip out your Bible and read the whole passage, but verses 2-5 says: proclaim the message, persist in it whether convenient or not; rebuke, correct and encourage with great patience and teaching. For the time will come when they will not tolerate sound doctrine, but according to their own desires, will accumulate teachers for themselves because they have an itch to hear something new. They will turn away from hearing the truth and will turn aside to myths. But as for you, keep a clear head about everything, endure hardship, do the work of an evangelist, fulfill your ministry.
I sat there and thought "wow! how appropriate." But God kinda has a knack for showing me these things at the right time. I began to think how there are so few churches here in the SS area. How the 2 girls I met with last week couldn't even stand going to church a couple of times a year. At how these people had put so much effort and time into the Carnaval this weekend. And how truly lost they are. I prayed for that small church to become the light in the area. For these Spanish to shine out in their communities, their jobs, and beyond. And I prayed that this ministry I am helping will be able to do His work, to spread the real truth.
As the service moved forward, we jumped to several different scriptures, most of which I didn't catch. I was terribly reminded at just how little Spanish I really do know. And at about an hour into the sermon, my brain could no longer function at trying its hardest to try to understand the slightest bit information. So, I sat there thinking poor Katie has no idea what's going on. And during our week of orientation they simulated a 'service' in different languages. At the time, Katie and I weren't that concerned as we were headed to an English speaking country. But alas, here we sat a month later listening to Spanish. While I couldn't understand the sermon, or over 1/2 the service, there was a beauty in the people. You could see their hearts and feel their joy. Never have I had so many people come up and greet me. But all I could muster was "My name is Jennifer" and "Si" to are you from the United States. It's at these moments I so desperately wish I could speak their language fluently. But alas, I can't. So we gave cheek kisses (where the cheek's touch) to each other and said goodbye.
While I can appreciate their service and feel the spirit among other believers, I still miss service in my own language. It's a downfall to being on the field, and one we were fore warned about in orientation. I miss gathering with friends and having discussions on Biblical matters. I miss gathering and singing worship songs. (Which we got to do in Paris one afternoon, and it so blessed my spirit.) While I wasn't happy with where I was back home, I find myself longing for a community of faith. So for now, I'll continue to listen to David Crowder, Hillsong, and have my own little worship service here in my room.
You can whip out your Bible and read the whole passage, but verses 2-5 says: proclaim the message, persist in it whether convenient or not; rebuke, correct and encourage with great patience and teaching. For the time will come when they will not tolerate sound doctrine, but according to their own desires, will accumulate teachers for themselves because they have an itch to hear something new. They will turn away from hearing the truth and will turn aside to myths. But as for you, keep a clear head about everything, endure hardship, do the work of an evangelist, fulfill your ministry.
I sat there and thought "wow! how appropriate." But God kinda has a knack for showing me these things at the right time. I began to think how there are so few churches here in the SS area. How the 2 girls I met with last week couldn't even stand going to church a couple of times a year. At how these people had put so much effort and time into the Carnaval this weekend. And how truly lost they are. I prayed for that small church to become the light in the area. For these Spanish to shine out in their communities, their jobs, and beyond. And I prayed that this ministry I am helping will be able to do His work, to spread the real truth.
As the service moved forward, we jumped to several different scriptures, most of which I didn't catch. I was terribly reminded at just how little Spanish I really do know. And at about an hour into the sermon, my brain could no longer function at trying its hardest to try to understand the slightest bit information. So, I sat there thinking poor Katie has no idea what's going on. And during our week of orientation they simulated a 'service' in different languages. At the time, Katie and I weren't that concerned as we were headed to an English speaking country. But alas, here we sat a month later listening to Spanish. While I couldn't understand the sermon, or over 1/2 the service, there was a beauty in the people. You could see their hearts and feel their joy. Never have I had so many people come up and greet me. But all I could muster was "My name is Jennifer" and "Si" to are you from the United States. It's at these moments I so desperately wish I could speak their language fluently. But alas, I can't. So we gave cheek kisses (where the cheek's touch) to each other and said goodbye.
While I can appreciate their service and feel the spirit among other believers, I still miss service in my own language. It's a downfall to being on the field, and one we were fore warned about in orientation. I miss gathering with friends and having discussions on Biblical matters. I miss gathering and singing worship songs. (Which we got to do in Paris one afternoon, and it so blessed my spirit.) While I wasn't happy with where I was back home, I find myself longing for a community of faith. So for now, I'll continue to listen to David Crowder, Hillsong, and have my own little worship service here in my room.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Mount Jesus and Carnaval
My alarm went off around 9:00 this morning. I quickly turned it off and rolled over back to sleep. Katie, Esther (our other team member/roommate) had decided the night before to go climb the mountain the Jesus statue resides on, which I now affectionately call, Mount Jesus. I knew I needed to get up, but my motivation lacked greatly. Part of me just wanted to stay in bed and let the other two go climb Mount Jesus. Well, about 10 (when we should have been leaving) we all started getting ready. About 10:30, we headed out the door, water in hand, to climb the mount.
After hiking up the stairs and paths, we reached the top. As I came up out of the last stair case, I was amazed at the beauty around me. I could see the entire shore line and the mighty mountains in the background of San Sebastian and neighboring cities. I looked at the two of them and was like, thanks for making me come up here, it was totally worth it.
(On top of Mount Jesus)
After we climbed back down, we headed home for lunch and to get ready for Carnaval. I'm too sure of the significance of the festivities here, but the entire town gets involved. We arrived downtown and soon foun
d the parade. I'm not entire sure how long it was, but we stood in one spot for about a good two hours. The people were dressed up in colorful and elaborate costumes dancing to music being played through speakers on top of a van. Each one had a ton of dancers and a float at the end of their section. We saw pirates galore, musketeers, and some things that I have not a clue to what they were. But we enjoyed the festivites of the evening.
(Some of those in the Parade)
It's been a full day. I'm excited that tomorrow we are going to attend a local church. I most likely won't be able to understand anything that is going on around me, but being surround by HIS children delights my soul.
- jen
After hiking up the stairs and paths, we reached the top. As I came up out of the last stair case, I was amazed at the beauty around me. I could see the entire shore line and the mighty mountains in the background of San Sebastian and neighboring cities. I looked at the two of them and was like, thanks for making me come up here, it was totally worth it.
(On top of Mount Jesus)
After we climbed back down, we headed home for lunch and to get ready for Carnaval. I'm too sure of the significance of the festivities here, but the entire town gets involved. We arrived downtown and soon foun
d the parade. I'm not entire sure how long it was, but we stood in one spot for about a good two hours. The people were dressed up in colorful and elaborate costumes dancing to music being played through speakers on top of a van. Each one had a ton of dancers and a float at the end of their section. We saw pirates galore, musketeers, and some things that I have not a clue to what they were. But we enjoyed the festivites of the evening.(Some of those in the Parade)
It's been a full day. I'm excited that tomorrow we are going to attend a local church. I most likely won't be able to understand anything that is going on around me, but being surround by HIS children delights my soul.
- jen
Thursday, February 19, 2009
insights from quiet time...
It's been a fairly uneventful day. But don't get me wrong, I don't mind having them, after all I've had my share of events in the past month :)
So in saying it's been fairly uneventful, I've come to notice the following in the quiet time of the day.
- Today I found myself longing for and missing group gatherings. Even us introverts need some time around people.
- I've found myself picking up a book in my spare time, rather uncharacteristic of me.
- There are 3 of us living together. Not one of us is a morning person, but I by far am the most of a morning person.
- Katie is just now finding out some of my oddities. I hope she can put up with me for another less than 4 months.
- The sun makes for a better day.
- Scotch tape really does work better than off brand tape.
- Scripture soothes the soul like none other. And today's was Ps 73:26: My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart, my portion forever. It spoke measures to me.
Until next time...
So in saying it's been fairly uneventful, I've come to notice the following in the quiet time of the day.
- Today I found myself longing for and missing group gatherings. Even us introverts need some time around people.
- I've found myself picking up a book in my spare time, rather uncharacteristic of me.
- There are 3 of us living together. Not one of us is a morning person, but I by far am the most of a morning person.
- Katie is just now finding out some of my oddities. I hope she can put up with me for another less than 4 months.
- The sun makes for a better day.
- Scotch tape really does work better than off brand tape.
- Scripture soothes the soul like none other. And today's was Ps 73:26: My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart, my portion forever. It spoke measures to me.
Until next time...
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
changed...
I knew that I would change and that my world in which I had lived would also change over the months I was gone. Going on the field, one never comes back the same, and the world in which you lived did keep going on. They didn't stop because you were gone.
It's been a right at a month since I've been gone. Lives back at home are already changing so much. And a few things have happened that I never in my wildest dreams could have imagined.
As for me, it's in the small things.
- Eating pasta! For me, I'm just not a huge pasta eater at home, but here it's become a dear friend.
- Having my daily intake of fruits and veggies, which I rather enjoy (a shocker most likely to those who know me!) But man, fresh fruits here are amazing!
- Cooking for me and Katie (it's not that I couldn't cook, I just didn't). I feel like such a Susie-homemaker at night, cooking and cleaning and all. But I don't mind it here.
- Walking up to someone and asking them if they spoke English so we could ask them a few questions! (FYI, Katie and I are both strong introverts - so the day we did this, it took us a good nearly 30 minutes to even get up the courage to ask someone if they spoke English!)
- Walking - oh my goodness I love walking everywhere. Now, I admit, I miss my personal mode of transportation for getting groceries and I especially missed it in Paris when a 3 hour bus ride could have taken 30 minutes in a car.
- Being emotional/vulnerable - As many who know me, I'm not one to cry. I'm not one to trust easily. I'm not one to share deep feelings unless you really know me. After being detained, threatened with jail, escorted through 3 countries, deported, and questioning all that I thought I knew, I found myself in tears nearly everyday for about a good week. I would sit there and cry, saying "I don't know what's wrong with me! I'm not usually this emotional." And then I found myself sharing my life, my struggles, my journey with these people I had known for a little over a week. I found myself taking down the walls I had so carefully put up over the years. And because I allowed them in, I found healing, words of wisdom, and beautiful new friendships. And for those who aren't with me know, I miss them greatly. This is so odd to me. To have known someone for 3 weeks and have such a deep and real connection.
Who knows what the next few months will bring. This trip surely isn't about being in my comfort zone, and I really wouldn't want it to be.
As I 'preached' to so many, be flexible, that's the key thing. I'm always amused at how the Father proceeds to stretch me just a little more each day. After being deported and having to be reassigned, I wondered just how much more flexible I could be and how much more I would need to be. But as always, He provides my strength. So I keep walking each day trusting in Him, as I've learned, that's all I can do. And I believe that's all He wants me to do, wake up each morning trusting in the One who created all things great and small.
- On a day when the tide was in - it had just finished storming this day.
- When the tide is in, water sprays up on these and the locals say it's beautiful.
- jen
It's been a right at a month since I've been gone. Lives back at home are already changing so much. And a few things have happened that I never in my wildest dreams could have imagined.
As for me, it's in the small things.
- Eating pasta! For me, I'm just not a huge pasta eater at home, but here it's become a dear friend.
- Having my daily intake of fruits and veggies, which I rather enjoy (a shocker most likely to those who know me!) But man, fresh fruits here are amazing!
- Cooking for me and Katie (it's not that I couldn't cook, I just didn't). I feel like such a Susie-homemaker at night, cooking and cleaning and all. But I don't mind it here.
- Walking up to someone and asking them if they spoke English so we could ask them a few questions! (FYI, Katie and I are both strong introverts - so the day we did this, it took us a good nearly 30 minutes to even get up the courage to ask someone if they spoke English!)
- Walking - oh my goodness I love walking everywhere. Now, I admit, I miss my personal mode of transportation for getting groceries and I especially missed it in Paris when a 3 hour bus ride could have taken 30 minutes in a car.
- Being emotional/vulnerable - As many who know me, I'm not one to cry. I'm not one to trust easily. I'm not one to share deep feelings unless you really know me. After being detained, threatened with jail, escorted through 3 countries, deported, and questioning all that I thought I knew, I found myself in tears nearly everyday for about a good week. I would sit there and cry, saying "I don't know what's wrong with me! I'm not usually this emotional." And then I found myself sharing my life, my struggles, my journey with these people I had known for a little over a week. I found myself taking down the walls I had so carefully put up over the years. And because I allowed them in, I found healing, words of wisdom, and beautiful new friendships. And for those who aren't with me know, I miss them greatly. This is so odd to me. To have known someone for 3 weeks and have such a deep and real connection.
Who knows what the next few months will bring. This trip surely isn't about being in my comfort zone, and I really wouldn't want it to be.
As I 'preached' to so many, be flexible, that's the key thing. I'm always amused at how the Father proceeds to stretch me just a little more each day. After being deported and having to be reassigned, I wondered just how much more flexible I could be and how much more I would need to be. But as always, He provides my strength. So I keep walking each day trusting in Him, as I've learned, that's all I can do. And I believe that's all He wants me to do, wake up each morning trusting in the One who created all things great and small.
- When the tide is in, water sprays up on these and the locals say it's beautiful.
- jen
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
in a days time
It's rather amazing what can happen within a 24 hour period.
Last night as I was doing my quiet time, I started to feel uneasy about things, and had a sense that something just wasn't right. I started to slowly move down the mountain top. A few hours later, I got some news. I was right. Something wasn't right. I can't mention it here, but it had turned some peoples worlds upside down.
This morning I woke up in what we on the field say, stage 2. You see there's 5 levels of culture shock. Stage 1 - honeymoon stage, everything is amazing. Stage 2 - the slightest thing annoys you to death. Stage 3 - you're finally good with where you are. Stage 4 - Re-entry or reverse culture shock, it's going back home and wishing you were back in the place you just left. Stage 5 - back to 'normal' - You'll never go back to where you were, but you've readjusted.
So yeah, I started this day in full on stage 2. Not so much that I hated where I was, just the slightest thing would annoy me. In fact our heater started making noises and I told it to shut-up! Yeah.
So we went putting out flyers on cars this morning, which took us all of like 30 minutes. Later this afternoon, Katie and I headed out to go prayer-walking. We set out to go to the old part of town. Well, we didn't quite make it there. We 1st made an amazing 17 minute long video of random things as we remembered them, then changed our plans. Mostly becuase we're so use to plans changing now! Instead we decided to prayer walked along the beach and part of the coast line.
But today, there was almost no one on the beach. Odd to me. As I came to the end of the beach and started walking back, I saw the statue of Jesus standing on the 'mountain'. It struck me odd, that these people walk by a statue of Christ everyday. Everyday they 'see' Him. Yet, yesterday I was talking with two young girls and they said how they hated going to a church, even if just on the holidays. Christ is just a statue here. He's not alive and well. He's not living in their hearts. They do not know Him - they have no relationship. Just a mere statue that was built before their time. As I walked, I prayed that He will become a living God to them, not just a figure on top of the 'mountain'. And just as the beach was barren and the waters came up, I prayed too that He would overtake them and quench their thirst, or perhaps even just give them a thirst for Him.
Walking along the beach can cure stage 2 in a heart beat. Not only that, but we ran into 2 people from the states (CA). Finding someone whom you can converse with is a rarity here, seeing that some speak Basque and others Spanish (and if you do happen to speak a few words of Spanish - watch out, because then they start to you thinking you can understand everything - I know this from experience!).
There are so many things that happen each day, it's just hard to write it all down. And so many things that happened this last month that I didn't get to write about. I'm sure most of it will come out along the way. So bear with me and endure.
Til next time...
Last night as I was doing my quiet time, I started to feel uneasy about things, and had a sense that something just wasn't right. I started to slowly move down the mountain top. A few hours later, I got some news. I was right. Something wasn't right. I can't mention it here, but it had turned some peoples worlds upside down.
This morning I woke up in what we on the field say, stage 2. You see there's 5 levels of culture shock. Stage 1 - honeymoon stage, everything is amazing. Stage 2 - the slightest thing annoys you to death. Stage 3 - you're finally good with where you are. Stage 4 - Re-entry or reverse culture shock, it's going back home and wishing you were back in the place you just left. Stage 5 - back to 'normal' - You'll never go back to where you were, but you've readjusted.
So yeah, I started this day in full on stage 2. Not so much that I hated where I was, just the slightest thing would annoy me. In fact our heater started making noises and I told it to shut-up! Yeah.
So we went putting out flyers on cars this morning, which took us all of like 30 minutes. Later this afternoon, Katie and I headed out to go prayer-walking. We set out to go to the old part of town. Well, we didn't quite make it there. We 1st made an amazing 17 minute long video of random things as we remembered them, then changed our plans. Mostly becuase we're so use to plans changing now! Instead we decided to prayer walked along the beach and part of the coast line.
But today, there was almost no one on the beach. Odd to me. As I came to the end of the beach and started walking back, I saw the statue of Jesus standing on the 'mountain'. It struck me odd, that these people walk by a statue of Christ everyday. Everyday they 'see' Him. Yet, yesterday I was talking with two young girls and they said how they hated going to a church, even if just on the holidays. Christ is just a statue here. He's not alive and well. He's not living in their hearts. They do not know Him - they have no relationship. Just a mere statue that was built before their time. As I walked, I prayed that He will become a living God to them, not just a figure on top of the 'mountain'. And just as the beach was barren and the waters came up, I prayed too that He would overtake them and quench their thirst, or perhaps even just give them a thirst for Him.
Walking along the beach can cure stage 2 in a heart beat. Not only that, but we ran into 2 people from the states (CA). Finding someone whom you can converse with is a rarity here, seeing that some speak Basque and others Spanish (and if you do happen to speak a few words of Spanish - watch out, because then they start to you thinking you can understand everything - I know this from experience!).
There are so many things that happen each day, it's just hard to write it all down. And so many things that happened this last month that I didn't get to write about. I'm sure most of it will come out along the way. So bear with me and endure.
Til next time...
Monday, February 16, 2009
Signing On - The first post!
Well, this is the first, of perhaps many blogs. I'm not huge in typing everything out for others, but hey I'm living in Spain for the next 4 months and figure people may want to know how life is lived over here.
I've been gone from home exactly a month. I got on an airplane 4 weeks ago headed to Paris, and with the plans of getting on a plane the week after and being in Wales for 6 months. But much to my surprise and dismay, my time in Wales consisted of the airport and airport security van. I was in Wales for all of an afternoon, and was escorted back to Paris in quite a hurry. My team member and I (Katie) got back to Paris not really knowing what would happen next.
The next few weeks left us waiting and wanting to know what the next several months would hold for us. After a few days, we were assured that going back to Wales would not be a possibility. We awaited a few more days for new possibilities. We were finally handed two options, Hamburg, Germany and San Sebastian, Spain. As many of you know, we chose Spain. At the time it was the option we knew the least about, but we both felt drawn to that option, and one of the Paris team members said the SS was amazing!
So a few days later we found ourselves awaiting our 7:15 AM train to depart. We were excited and anxious to be out of France! Not that Paris did not have it's high points, we were just ready to be in our place and start our work in our city.
Well, we have been in SS for a week now. And I must say I absolutely love it here. The pictures cannot even capture the amazing beauty around us. We have explored our city and the coast line and finally have a schedule (at least this week!). We are settling in and becoming acquainted with those we will be working with the next few months.
There are still a few unknowns right now, but I'm looking to the future and know that my FATHER is bigger and greater than anything the world can throw at us. I know that all things happen for a reason. My plans are not always HIS plans, a lesson I constantly have to learn.
While in Paris, God blessed me with a wonderful group of friends. I cannot express how they spoke measures into my life when I needed it most. I was away from the familiar and faced with many new obstacles I never could have prepared for. I am blessed for having become their friends and hearing their stories.
Last night as I read a very familiar passage (Ps 23:2) I looked on it with new light. This past week, our plans have been canceled or changed nearly every day. However, this often left time to go walk along the beach and much needed time to process the last few weeks and relax. HE led me here, to sit in the grass, walk along the coast and soak in HIS amazing creation and beauty. It's been so long since I've felt so much joy. There's no stress, no worrying, no frustraion. Just joy in HIS presence. My soul and cup runnteh over. HE has filled me to the max. Now is my time to GO and fill someone elses cup with HIS amaing love.
This is my hope, that all my know my FATHER as I do and feel and truely know HIS love as I do.
Please keep me in your thoughts as I live in Spain for the next four months and that in all I do, HIS NAME will be known to those around me.
- jennifer
I've been gone from home exactly a month. I got on an airplane 4 weeks ago headed to Paris, and with the plans of getting on a plane the week after and being in Wales for 6 months. But much to my surprise and dismay, my time in Wales consisted of the airport and airport security van. I was in Wales for all of an afternoon, and was escorted back to Paris in quite a hurry. My team member and I (Katie) got back to Paris not really knowing what would happen next.
The next few weeks left us waiting and wanting to know what the next several months would hold for us. After a few days, we were assured that going back to Wales would not be a possibility. We awaited a few more days for new possibilities. We were finally handed two options, Hamburg, Germany and San Sebastian, Spain. As many of you know, we chose Spain. At the time it was the option we knew the least about, but we both felt drawn to that option, and one of the Paris team members said the SS was amazing!
So a few days later we found ourselves awaiting our 7:15 AM train to depart. We were excited and anxious to be out of France! Not that Paris did not have it's high points, we were just ready to be in our place and start our work in our city.
Well, we have been in SS for a week now. And I must say I absolutely love it here. The pictures cannot even capture the amazing beauty around us. We have explored our city and the coast line and finally have a schedule (at least this week!). We are settling in and becoming acquainted with those we will be working with the next few months.
There are still a few unknowns right now, but I'm looking to the future and know that my FATHER is bigger and greater than anything the world can throw at us. I know that all things happen for a reason. My plans are not always HIS plans, a lesson I constantly have to learn.
While in Paris, God blessed me with a wonderful group of friends. I cannot express how they spoke measures into my life when I needed it most. I was away from the familiar and faced with many new obstacles I never could have prepared for. I am blessed for having become their friends and hearing their stories.
Last night as I read a very familiar passage (Ps 23:2) I looked on it with new light. This past week, our plans have been canceled or changed nearly every day. However, this often left time to go walk along the beach and much needed time to process the last few weeks and relax. HE led me here, to sit in the grass, walk along the coast and soak in HIS amazing creation and beauty. It's been so long since I've felt so much joy. There's no stress, no worrying, no frustraion. Just joy in HIS presence. My soul and cup runnteh over. HE has filled me to the max. Now is my time to GO and fill someone elses cup with HIS amaing love.
This is my hope, that all my know my FATHER as I do and feel and truely know HIS love as I do.
Please keep me in your thoughts as I live in Spain for the next four months and that in all I do, HIS NAME will be known to those around me.
- jennifer
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