a new appreciation...

So I've been on many 'm' trips, and planned them for over a year. But it wasn't until this past week I learned a new appreciation for 'm's' living on the field.

For the past month we've been getting ready for a group of high schoolers coming from TX and another group of adults also from TX. We've put in a lot of work getting the location ready, getting information out about the weekends, planning for orientation for the groups, plus other odds and end information. I never realized just how much work goes into a week trip. It's a lot of work on this side of the field.

Then the week comes when the team gets here. Going to the airport, picking up 14 people, getting them to their location, taking them to get food, being their tour guides around the town. Within the first few days, it really stuck me that I'm poor! Not in a horrible way, but eating out isn't much of an option. And with a group, there's not much of a choice. So when they offer to buy food that's great as eating a meal out can be at least half if not all your daily allowance for food. I'm beginning to see now why 'm's' are so thankful for what we see as small things, because really they are huge things for them.

As I sat in the girls room in the hostel, I saw one bring out a bag of candy and I immediately spotted a Snickers. Ya see, they're my favorite those and Reese's. And gratefully, I got to have some Snickers and Reese's! And I thought, I've only been gone 2 months, I can't imagine how these 'm's' who have been here for years get along. I suppose they get use to not having things and finding new loves in their country.

And not only do you have this group here and needing to make sure they eat, sleep, and other things, you have your day to day activities that still must go on. They've still got to get the kids to school, have the normal English conversation groups, do laundry, go to the grocrey! It's not that easy.

I sit here and think though, that when my one supervisor says we were angels sent to them, I really see it. I know this isn't where we were planning on going, but I can see why we might be here. If it's just to have helped get ready for this group. To be a huge part of the orienation for the group. To be their guides around the town (and amazingly enough, sometimes a tanslator!). To get them from point A to point B. To help in watching the kids at dinner so they can better assist the other team. As I've said before, it's the small things.

So, yeah, I've got a new appreciation for those living on the field for long term. They are called.

i hate to cry...

For most people that know me, they know I don't like to cry, nay, I hate to cry. And crying in front of people, that's just unthinkable and unbearable. I like to think of crying as a weakness. And I often identify myself as the strong one in my group of friends. I'm the one to come to when life has blown up in your face. I'm the one who'll listen, give sound advice, and be that shoulder for you to cry on. I'm the strong one, that's me.

Well, I believe God has a sense of humor, in more ways than one. And over the past few months, He's been trying to show me, I'm not the strong one, He is. In fact, I'm weak and even my 'strongest' point doesn't even compare to God's 'weakest' point.

During the first week of orientation we sang a song by Casting Crowns called "In Me." These words struck accord with me then, but I didn't know how much they would come to mean to me two months later. It speaks of God asking people to go into lands, preach His word, carry His light into foreign lands, and the part that strikes home with me goes:

I'll go, but I cannot go alone
'Cause I know I'm nothing on my own
But the power of Christ in me makes me strong
Makes me strong

'Cause when I'm weak, You make me strong
When I'm blind you shine Your light on me
'Cause I'll never get by living on my own ability
How refreshing to know You don't need me
How amazing to find that You want me
So I'll stand on Your Truth, and I'll fight with Your Strength
Until You bring the victory, by the power of Christ in me

You see, I've spent years building up a 100 foot wall. I felt it made me strong. No one got in, and nothing got out. And being emotional, crying, like I said, that is one of the biggest weakness a person can have, so I thought. But alas, I've found myself crying in front of complete strangers. I've found myself crying for hours. I've found myself crying for reasons I didn't even know why. Life had blown up in my face. My plans (which is another place I feel God has a sense of humor, but that's another story) we're crumbled up and thrown out. My 100 foot wall can tumbling down. But all I could do was watch things fall apart, sit there, and allow these people to sit with me. They sat with me in piles of rubble that were my plans and helped me to wipe away the tears that streamed down my cheeks. They embraced me and shared their similar stories. And all the while, I kept thinking, I'm not this girl. I don't cry I'm the strong one.

And then the other night, as Katie and I were having one of our many 1:00 AM talks, those words came back to me. "When I am weak, You make me strong." I mean, WOW. Yes, that's such an early childhood Sunday school lesson, but really, I think that might be one of the first times in my life I really recognized just how truly weak I am and just how strong HE is. My fear and hate of crying that shows my weakness is a perfect place for Him to show His strength. He gives strength to the weak. I am not the strong one no matter what I'd like to think.

So crying, while it does make the eyes puffy and red, has it's place. I pray that through these experiences, I will remember that. I'm not strong, but God makes me strong by graciously allowing me to rely on His amazing strength. And I pray that one day, these circumstances and lessons I've learned can show the glory of God and others may come to know Him. I pray that God uses my life and stories to show just how gracious and loving He is.

To live another day. To breathe another breath. To tell of His love one more time.

- jen

sometimes, it takes a while to learn...

God is faithful and ever present. When we ask something of Him, He always provides. Not perhaps in our timing, but in His perfect timing, all things come together.

I was reading a few 'thoughts' I've written down through out the years. I came across one entitled "A working in me." I wrote it Jan 16 of 2008. Here's what it said:

After this evening's small group and reading a good friends blog - I too am faced with the question "Do you trust ME?" - God.

While sitting in small group tonight and after all of us are considering changing jobs and many people I know (including myself) have said "I'm working somewhere I never thought I would." It came to me that perhaps we find ourselves in these places because they were the path of least resistance at the time, so we walk down them. I didn't trust on God to walk the path I really wanted at the time. I took the 'easier' way. And all along HE keeps saying trust ME and I'll open the right doors. Don't worry about the scores, don't worry about the essay's, don't worry about the money - TRUST ME AND I'LL TAKE CARE OF YOU.

But God works all these things to HIS Glory - despite my mistakes!

So after a refining evening of Hebrews - I find myself needing to focus on Christ and fully actually trusting in God taking me where I want and most importantly where HE wants me.

A week before leaving I wrote another 'thought' entitled, "Learning to let go - with faith." Here's a part of that thought:

As I sit a mere week away from boarding a plane that will take me across the great Atlantic pond, I can’t even imagine what all God has in store for me. People keep asking if I’m excited or ready. Well, yes I’m excited, but ready – are we ever really fully ready to allow God to work in our lives the way He intended. So I ask for your prayers, that I am ready – ready to let go fully, ready to allow God to fully work in and through me, ready to not look back, ready to live in the present, ready to encounter new people and new places with a new outlook.

One thing is for sure – my life will be forever changed – that much I am sure of. And I pray that someone else’s live(s) can be changed forever as well.

As you all know by now, things did deviate from the plan. It's not been an easy road, but the benefits far out weigh the troubles, and in some strange way all the troubles have added and enhanced the trip. I still have no idea all of what God has in store for me. But that prayer, the prayer to fully let go, to allow God to fully work in and though me, to live in the present, to encounter new things with a new outlook is being answered everyday in new ways. I've sometimes wondered over the past few weeks if this trip was really meant to be. I began to question if I had heard Him correctly in taking this trip. But it's never been more evident that He brought me here to teach me things I would have never learned otherwise.

Now, a year after hearing God say, TRUST ME AND I'LL TAKE CARE OF YOU, I am beginning to understand what it means to really let go and let God. To really trust Him. It's one of those things people always say, lay down your burdens, He will take them from you, all you have to do is let go. I told myself so many times, yes I laid that down for God, but eventually found myself taking it back up as I thought I knew what was best. But over the last week, my spirit is light and joy is full. There's no real way to express the feeling of truly letting go and trusting in God. It's different for all of us, and a lesson we'll each have to learn one way or the other. I'm so grateful to my omnipotent God, that He didn't give up on me. He continued to plug away and teach me the lessons He would have for me.

So, I still sit wondering which day between April 20 and June 15 I'll go home. I still wonder just what is in store for me over those next few months. I still wonder if I'm fully read to allow God to work in my life the way He intends. But I'm learning that God's love truly is great. His strength sustains me. He is ever present. He is all knowing. He will guide my steps, even when I don't know where to walk. And most importantly, He will be glorified.

ding dong ditch... and a cluster of other things...

So we headed out the door this morning like any normal day. You see, here in Spain (and France as well) the lights in the hallways are on timers, to save electricity, as lesson we in the States could learn. We I headed down the 1st flight of stairs and had forgotten to hit the light switch out side of our apartment. So on the next floor I hit the button for what I thought was the light. Oops. It was the doorbell. I took off running down the stairs, laughing and returning an Hola to the people on the next floor. Yes, I suppose I ding dong ditched some people, not on purpose of course, but man I laughed for a good 10 minutes after that.

This morning our goal was to hand out a decent stack of flyers for the youth English weekend. Our goal was to them into mail boxes near our location. Ya see, mailboxes here are inside the building, which of course are open. We tried ringing a few doors, saying Propaganda, hoping someone would buzz us in, but no luck. So we decided to go get some tape and at least tape up some signs right outside the apartments. We started walking, and I'd say out loud, "Father, please open up a few doors for us." BAM! Someone would come in/out of the apartment, so we'd rush over and quickly put the flyers into the mailboxes. We'd walk a little further with not getting in, just taping them to the outside, and again I'd say, "Father please open up a few doors." And again, BAM! a door opened. Really, no lie. Every time I said the words aloud, a door would open. And within an hour we had handed out all the flyers. Which was a blessing for the one teammate as she is having foot troubles. But, it's amazing how I asked in the small things, and God opened the doors. I just continue to pray, that those that received the flyers will call and sign up for the weekend. He opened those doors for some reason.

On another note, I got a new jacket! While we were out handing out the flyers, all the stores that are normally closed when we go out were open. When I had originally packed, I packed much warmer clothes. Not that the jacket was necessary, but it'll be nice not to have to wear the same one day in and day out!

The other day I got the Spring and Summer EP by Jon Foreman. I must say it's quite amazing. But there's a few songs that spoke into my heart. A line in one of the songs says, "It's funny how life is seldom what you plan... Don't let the panic bring you down..." These words could not have been any more perfect for me and my situation. This current life I'm living day in and day out, is not at all what I planned, but don't let the panic bring you down. And another song titled, Your Love is Strong, states: So why do I worry?/Why do I freak out?/God knows what I need/You know what I need//Your love is/Your love is/Your love is strong. Those are my current words, Your love is strong. He does know what I need, and His love will carry me each and every day that He is gracious to give me life.

Also, yesterday, my field supervisors have another plan in mind that could allow me to stay in Europe until June. I'm totally excited about the idea. I cannot really give any details at this point, as many others have to sign off on the idea first, but it was a glimmer of hope for me, just as the sun is shinning today. God is working. I know it. I feel it. And as I said last time, I'm trusting every moment that He is guiding my paths and knows the way before me. He opened the doors today, I know He can continue to open other doors.

- Trusting in HIM - jen