i hate to cry...

For most people that know me, they know I don't like to cry, nay, I hate to cry. And crying in front of people, that's just unthinkable and unbearable. I like to think of crying as a weakness. And I often identify myself as the strong one in my group of friends. I'm the one to come to when life has blown up in your face. I'm the one who'll listen, give sound advice, and be that shoulder for you to cry on. I'm the strong one, that's me.

Well, I believe God has a sense of humor, in more ways than one. And over the past few months, He's been trying to show me, I'm not the strong one, He is. In fact, I'm weak and even my 'strongest' point doesn't even compare to God's 'weakest' point.

During the first week of orientation we sang a song by Casting Crowns called "In Me." These words struck accord with me then, but I didn't know how much they would come to mean to me two months later. It speaks of God asking people to go into lands, preach His word, carry His light into foreign lands, and the part that strikes home with me goes:

I'll go, but I cannot go alone
'Cause I know I'm nothing on my own
But the power of Christ in me makes me strong
Makes me strong

'Cause when I'm weak, You make me strong
When I'm blind you shine Your light on me
'Cause I'll never get by living on my own ability
How refreshing to know You don't need me
How amazing to find that You want me
So I'll stand on Your Truth, and I'll fight with Your Strength
Until You bring the victory, by the power of Christ in me

You see, I've spent years building up a 100 foot wall. I felt it made me strong. No one got in, and nothing got out. And being emotional, crying, like I said, that is one of the biggest weakness a person can have, so I thought. But alas, I've found myself crying in front of complete strangers. I've found myself crying for hours. I've found myself crying for reasons I didn't even know why. Life had blown up in my face. My plans (which is another place I feel God has a sense of humor, but that's another story) we're crumbled up and thrown out. My 100 foot wall can tumbling down. But all I could do was watch things fall apart, sit there, and allow these people to sit with me. They sat with me in piles of rubble that were my plans and helped me to wipe away the tears that streamed down my cheeks. They embraced me and shared their similar stories. And all the while, I kept thinking, I'm not this girl. I don't cry I'm the strong one.

And then the other night, as Katie and I were having one of our many 1:00 AM talks, those words came back to me. "When I am weak, You make me strong." I mean, WOW. Yes, that's such an early childhood Sunday school lesson, but really, I think that might be one of the first times in my life I really recognized just how truly weak I am and just how strong HE is. My fear and hate of crying that shows my weakness is a perfect place for Him to show His strength. He gives strength to the weak. I am not the strong one no matter what I'd like to think.

So crying, while it does make the eyes puffy and red, has it's place. I pray that through these experiences, I will remember that. I'm not strong, but God makes me strong by graciously allowing me to rely on His amazing strength. And I pray that one day, these circumstances and lessons I've learned can show the glory of God and others may come to know Him. I pray that God uses my life and stories to show just how gracious and loving He is.

To live another day. To breathe another breath. To tell of His love one more time.

- jen